Disturbed!

Okay I hear a lot from my friends, even my fiance, that Disturbed is "for posers" and "not that good". I disagree, they are one of my favorite bands. I like their sound and their message. On the surface you hear the metal music, and the screaming vocals, and in some cases swearing and you assume no "valid" point is made.
 However there is.
It is also ironic that many religious conservatives act as if obviously it is hostile to their faith, when there are several references to likely judeo-christian beliefs. The album "Believe" for example not only has some very heavily religious themes, but it also has signs of 4 major religions, the Christian cross, the Jewish Star of David, the Islamic crescent, and the Wiccan pentagram.
Put simply it should be the kind of music you can like no matter your personal religious views.

The first 5 Disturbed songs I thought of, and their meanings, subtle and not, as well as videos for the songs are below. (They are in reverse order of how I thought of them, so they would be counting towards the "deepest", the ones I thought of immediately when thinking of this list).


5) Numb
I feel this song most speaks to the issue of ritualistic genital mutilation, especially male circumcision as done and it's effects on the victims in the United States. I'm sure there's another meaning, but this is what it says to me, and it seems straightforward with it's lyrics.
It starts:

"Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out. Oh!
Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out!
Bleeding now, I'm
Crying out, I'm
Falling down, and I'm
Feeling nothing, like
Laughing now, I'm
Stopping now, I'm
Reaching out, and I'm
Feeling nothing"

The kind of pain and bleeding and trauma cycle a newborn would go through when having the most sensitive part of their brand new hyper sensitized body is ripped and torn and cut. At the end the "And I'm....feeling nothing" might be in reference to the desensitization a circumcised penis goes through due to lost protection and continuous rubbing and roughening of the once soft and internal organ.

"Yeah, you've created a rift withing me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing.
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing."

Seems almost obvious to me, it seems to be about an adult who has found out that the genital mutilation surgery has left him with "several complications", maybe delayed ejaculation, ED, painful erections, among other possible complications that could show up as he sexually matures. And then he adds "I might say, you were wrong to take it from me, left me feeling nothing" is a rather harrowing condemnation of his inability to have a natural and healthy sex life and how it was wrong to take that away from him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t75HL3fhmcw


4)  Down with the Sickness
Perhaps the most famous Disturbed song. This is one may be controversial but I will include it.
This song and the next one are the two most profane on my list, about every 5th word is some derivative of "fuck", don't read into my analysis if this might offend you. Or do anyway, I don't actually care. This seems to me to be about violence, most specifically about how when you are violent towards children they will grow to become violent themselves. In the often edited out verse it gives the most details that may support that interpretation. It seems to be talking about a scared child towards a violent parent and then the scared child grows into a more violent role to continue the cycle of abuse.

"(And when I dream x4)
No mommy, don't do it again,
Don't do it again,
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy, don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?
Don't do it, you're hurting me!
Why did you have to be such a bitch?
Why don't you,
Why don't just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just leave here and DIE?
Never stick your hand in my face again, bitch
FUCK YOU,
I don't need this shit,
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you like to see how it feels mommy?
Here it comes, get ready to DIE!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09LTT0xwdfw


3) Innocence
This is perhaps my favorite song by Disturbed, I wasn't able to link to the official video, but I did link to my favorite lyrics on screen video of it.
Innocence is one of many that doesn't have too much of a "hidden meaning" but rather sings directly to the issue.
It most accurately described as being about the justice system being messed up in high profile cases like Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. Since every verse talks about different types of cases, mother killing their children, murdered families, domestic violence, victimized children (seemingly a sexual abuse), etc but the main theme can be found in the chorus criticizing the corrupt system and the defenders of such people.

"Your corruption is like a cancer growing inside
You owe the world and apology.
You've been taught all your life that truth is easy to hide!
You'll face your judgement another day
And suffer eternally!
False defender, bur forever
False defender, bur forever
Cold and spineless, have you no soul?
Wicked-minded, out of control
And guided by their hunger
They will find new ways to betray us!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYQzQAmX1Xo

2) Inside the Fire
This song is about the after effects of suicide. It is based on a true story where in his teen years the lead vocalist had a girlfriend who had committed suicide. From the music video it is easily interpreted that he struggled with feelings that she would be cast out of heaven due to the unwholesome act of suicide and then struggled with his own suicidal feelings. It is implied that devil himself is urging him to kill himself with a chorus that includes lines like
"Release your life
To begin another time with her.
End your grief with me
There's another way.
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her!"
And frequent mentions of
"Devin lies beyond this portal, take the word of one immortal"
Seeming like the devil is talking to him and telling him it would be easy to "Give your soul to me, for eternity" to "begin another time with her".

Which hits close for many who are left after someone close to them has committed suicide.

This song even comes with a plea to contact a  suicide hotline if you or someone you know is in crisis and starts with the vocalist saying that it's unfortunately a sensitive topic that is close to him since he has personally dealt with it.
The entire song is basically suicide awareness on a large scale, and coping with the traumatic event on a personal level.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxujAPhxlo0



1) Another Way to Die
This song is heavily about pollution and global warming. It's not even hidden or you have to try to understand what some lyrical poetic double speak might mean. It is very straight forward.
If these lyrics from the song don't show you, then the video below them might.

"It's just another way to die

There can be no other reason why
You know we should have seen it coming
Consequences, we cannot deny
Will be revealed in time

Glaciers melt as we pollute the sky
A sign of devastation coming
We don't need another way to die
Can we repent in time?"
and
"Species fall before our very eyes
A world they cannot survive in
Left them with another way to die
Are we dead inside?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwELajFteTo

Satanism, Christianity, and The OKC Capital

As many who grew up in Oklahoma and/or Wyoming, I was brought up as a Christian...at least until I reached the age of reason, which for me was age 14.
As a child I never "really" believed, but I wanted to because everyone else did. I seemed wrong, bad, and like God will punish me because I really didn't believe. I compensated by acting ultra religious and hoping the belief would just stick. It never really did. At 14 I learned that atheists exist, and it gave me hope that maybe I wasn't bad to not believe.

As a child there were many traditions I didn't understand, doing hair and makeup, and wearing clothes at all. If God made you in his image, and made you perfect, altering, hiding, and acting as if his creation is dirty, sinful, or bad, would be highly insulting to his creation. And that was well before Doctor Who decided you can't wear clothes to church. Maybe Matt Smith was onto something there...

But at 14 shortly after being in the debate community heavily filled with atheists one of my friends was kicked out of her church because she was outed as bisexual. She picked up on Wicca. At the same time a previously catholic friend went through issues involving divorce and incest and turned to Satanism. I decided to read up on both. My mom caught me reading into Wicca and declared that non christian literature to be a threat and not welcomed. I decided at that moment there was no truth to Christianity. Any faith challenged by education on others isn't a true one.
I read Wicca was against indoctrination, or preaching to those that don't ask for it. I'd believe Wicca to be more valid.
Satanism is more an acceptance of human nature and a more flamboyant way of being an atheist. At least that's what it was for me when I was identified as a Satanist for 2 years.

I've since let go of it, while still accepting that most of the teachings are more valid and moral than Christian teachings. All beliefs have their flaws and I currently follow none.

Now it seems as a former Satanist, and a former Christian (one of maybe 20 in the whole state) I am right in the middle of this state capital controversy.

I am against infringements on the first amendment. If you allow one, you must allow all. I'd rather the Satanic symbol be of the 11 Rules of Earth than the silly statue they picked. But then again, I'd rather they have nothing at all. Leave the public land for our constitutionally secular laws and representation. Leave our private lands for us to express our personal ideas and beliefs, including religious.

I'm not going to advocate against the satanic statue simply because I believe currently our state needs that controversy to see what is wrong with the 10 Hebrew commandments being erected on public land, and they already have done that.

I am however annoyed when someone implies or explicitly says that one is worse than the other.
I have no value in Christianity, but many do. I see it as an immoral religion that is mostly a political tool in my country these days. Satanism however better represents The United States, pro greed, anti child/animal suffering, anti rape, pro learning from the past, pro accepting human nature, etc.
Neither is more valid on state grounds.
Neither should be on state grounds.
If either is on public land, the other must be as well, and so must other religious symbols of those who wish to be represented in such a silly show.

The controversy is ridiculous.

 I am very against Christianity and organized religion as a whole.
However I am not anti christians or religious people.

I am against organized religion because I think as a whole, especially when there is a central leader, it is open for corruption, cherry picking, and cult like use of people as political tools. I see little value in organized religion. There is value only in socializing with those of similar opinions, which you can do without churches and popes.

I do dislike religion, all of it, but that doesn't equate into hating every religious person. I feel most people have to cope in one way or another. Some religions bring the hope and peace someone may need. Some are just terrifying and you just gotta ditch them.
I don't like organized religion however, because I feel it is easily a tool for certain few to decide how you should think, act, and what you should do.

I think my state needs to grow up, and accept that not everyone agrees.

Life Goals

As many people who follow me might know, I am a very outspoken pro choice individual. However many may not realize that I want to become an abortion provider, and maybe open my own clinic(s).

I am looking for clinics nearby that I may be able to volunteer for. I want to work as an escort, or with emotional support, or as a counter protester. I have asked clinics nearby if they would like me to help them, but have gotten no response back. My next step is to call in, but I have such anxiety that any phone call is difficult for me. It makes me question how much I would actually be able to do if I did get a job or volunteer position.

I feel like because of terrorism, low pay, and ever changing laws and political battles there are not enough abortion providers in my country, and I also feel like it is something I can feel good about providing or helping to provide.
Sometimes I am pessimistic about my ability to do anything though.

I also want to move to Canada with my fiance, I know they have a shortage of abortion providers too, but not as much as here.

Okay lets be honest about how and what I actually think. This, from here, is going to get pretty personal, raw, and a little too honest.

It just feels to me a lot of times like I'm never going anywhere or doing anything, and it makes my ultimate goals seem far less likely. Sometimes it truly feels like it's just simply not worth it to even think that I will end up doing anything.

I know I have severe depression, I've tried two different meds, haven't found one that works yet, and am waiting to see a doctor (since I moved states). My last round I quit suddenly (not really by choice, I ran out of ALL my medications including Neurontin which they gave me to maybe help with pain and it can cause seizures if you suddenly stop, it also did nothing for my pain). It just seems that even that makes me feel even more hopeless.

Sometimes it feels like my advocacy and political work, and leaving some kind of a mark online where maybe someone will go and read that someone that thinks like me existed and might think about it, and might eventually change their positions, it seems like the only good I might be able to do. Sometimes it really feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything that involves social interaction, will never get a real job or keep one, will never really complete school, or do well, will never move out, will never be successful. And I know everyone that spends any time around me ends up hating me.
It feels a lot of times like I am nothing but a problem, a leech, something that is just a drain.

I try and try to reach out and do better, but I never seem able to do so. I just barely got a driver's permit, I'm 19, and I'm not even able to drive my family around yet because I need someone who could drive themselves to be in the car with me if I were to drive. I don't make money, no one buys my knitting, I didn't even finish my CNA class.

I am massively insecure about my "accomplishments" and my future, and yet I still have these big grand goals of leaving the states, becoming a doctor, having a charity where I can provide free abortions for low income women and give to funds where those living in other states can afford the ones they need, fostering and adopting older kids and teens in need.

It's really kind of hard to keep trying to push forth as this happy, loving, optimistic young person when I keep feeling like I am, always have been, and always will be a loser. I can't even sign up for college without massive amounts of help.

I mean sure you might chalk it up to my depression, but really, I've been "home" for 2 months now. No job, no school. I stay home all day and cost more in electricity, Internet, water, no one likes me around. What exactly is my future? Will I ever get better than this?
I'm always in pain, I feel incapable of doing anything, I never do anything, if I do do something odds are I'm going to forget about it anyway, no one likes me and I don't really like people either.
What is the point?

I can only hope that somehow I will end my rut and be able to reach my goals, but most of the time I am not optimistic about the possibility of that.

Sexuality-001

I can't help but think, without any research beyond myself, that perhaps sexuality for aspies is more "open", or at least is less gender based.
I am a demisexual, pansexual, polyamorous, lesbian. Many people stop at only one label, gay, straight, bi, and in some cases pans.
However it has been my experience that each of these labels helps define who  and what I am, better. it gives a better picture of my actual sexuality.
Demisexual broadly means that I am primarily attracted to what the ace community (asexuals and demisexuals) often refer to as "secondary characteristics", these would be non physical traits, personality, interests, intelligence, things that generally take longer to know and understand about a person than things like race, hair color, height, gender/sex, general sizes, etc.
I would also largely be a lesbian, because of the physical things I am attracted to, I still have a preference it just doesn't primarily decide who I am attracted to, I am a lesbian. I have never been physically attracted to a man.

Think for instance if you are primarily a straight guy, and your secondary preference would be blonde hair. Generally you like women with blonde hair, even if that is the only hair color you ever find attractive, it doesn't mean there is never a time that you may happen to be attracted to a woman with red hair. You simply wouldn't go with them because of their hair color, you would go with them because other factors lead you to overlook the color of her hair.

I am also polyamorous which simply means I can, and accept that I do, love more than one person at a time.


However I am a pansexual as well, which means I am capable of going beyond my general physical preference bounds. With my primary and secondary sexualities switched around, sometimes the pansexual part doesn't really seem to count. I am in a straight relationship at this moment and he knows I'm a lesbian. In fact I have never set foot in my so called closet. How many lesbians, who aren't in the closet, are in straight relationships?
I would think not very many.

It's been my experience that aspies don't understand much about dating, the "rules" of dating, how to date, why certain social expectations even still exist, and why a lot of things even matter. Things that to me may indicate they go beyond traditional gender roles, or even mainstream sexualities.

This isn't to mean that demisexuality is inherently better or worse than simply being sexual, but it does seem to be a thing. I've also met a few asexual people all of which ended up also being aspies and I'm not sure if that's for a reason or not.

People with Asperger's often don't care about or understand social norms they deem as "stupid", for instance I refuse to acknowledge a guy "having" to pay for dates, I pay my part, they pay theirs, unless someone is short on cash or has an excess. I refuse to see any value in such a system.
I refuse to put restrictions on "I wont do X until date Y" because it makes no sense at all unless the system is one of prostitution where after the guy spends X amount of money on the girl, he unlocks activity Y.
I have been on ONE mini date, and have been dating the same guy for 5 years now. I refuse to believe I'm some kind of a "whore" because I had sex before the first date 3 years into the relationship, aka before he "bought" it. The real whores are the ones that get the spending done and then unlock sexual "favors". Especially if it's really expensive like a ring or wedding.

And I refuse to see the value in "sexual purity" or monogamy or any of that BS. Yes I see very clearly that cheating (having romantic encounters without the knowledge or consent of those you are in a relationship with) is bad. But I fail to see how me sleeping with a guy and a girl with all parties consenting and involved is somehow worse than going from one relationship to the next, or that somehow I loose value just because I've had sex before.

And really the way aspies question social norms and process and value things differently, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that aspies were in fact less on the pure gay/straight spectrum and more on the varying levels of sexuality and of various amounts of inclusion of those you are less primarily attracted to (poly/pansexuality for instance).

I never seem to cease to confuse people when I tell them I am a lesbian and I enjoy having sex with my boyfriend. Maybe people aren't used to lesbian being the secondary sexuality. Or maybe people like to try to find inconsistency with me. Not quite sure. But either way, I really hope this can help better explain my own sexuality.