Life Goals

As many people who follow me might know, I am a very outspoken pro choice individual. However many may not realize that I want to become an abortion provider, and maybe open my own clinic(s).

I am looking for clinics nearby that I may be able to volunteer for. I want to work as an escort, or with emotional support, or as a counter protester. I have asked clinics nearby if they would like me to help them, but have gotten no response back. My next step is to call in, but I have such anxiety that any phone call is difficult for me. It makes me question how much I would actually be able to do if I did get a job or volunteer position.

I feel like because of terrorism, low pay, and ever changing laws and political battles there are not enough abortion providers in my country, and I also feel like it is something I can feel good about providing or helping to provide.
Sometimes I am pessimistic about my ability to do anything though.

I also want to move to Canada with my fiance, I know they have a shortage of abortion providers too, but not as much as here.

Okay lets be honest about how and what I actually think. This, from here, is going to get pretty personal, raw, and a little too honest.

It just feels to me a lot of times like I'm never going anywhere or doing anything, and it makes my ultimate goals seem far less likely. Sometimes it truly feels like it's just simply not worth it to even think that I will end up doing anything.

I know I have severe depression, I've tried two different meds, haven't found one that works yet, and am waiting to see a doctor (since I moved states). My last round I quit suddenly (not really by choice, I ran out of ALL my medications including Neurontin which they gave me to maybe help with pain and it can cause seizures if you suddenly stop, it also did nothing for my pain). It just seems that even that makes me feel even more hopeless.

Sometimes it feels like my advocacy and political work, and leaving some kind of a mark online where maybe someone will go and read that someone that thinks like me existed and might think about it, and might eventually change their positions, it seems like the only good I might be able to do. Sometimes it really feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything that involves social interaction, will never get a real job or keep one, will never really complete school, or do well, will never move out, will never be successful. And I know everyone that spends any time around me ends up hating me.
It feels a lot of times like I am nothing but a problem, a leech, something that is just a drain.

I try and try to reach out and do better, but I never seem able to do so. I just barely got a driver's permit, I'm 19, and I'm not even able to drive my family around yet because I need someone who could drive themselves to be in the car with me if I were to drive. I don't make money, no one buys my knitting, I didn't even finish my CNA class.

I am massively insecure about my "accomplishments" and my future, and yet I still have these big grand goals of leaving the states, becoming a doctor, having a charity where I can provide free abortions for low income women and give to funds where those living in other states can afford the ones they need, fostering and adopting older kids and teens in need.

It's really kind of hard to keep trying to push forth as this happy, loving, optimistic young person when I keep feeling like I am, always have been, and always will be a loser. I can't even sign up for college without massive amounts of help.

I mean sure you might chalk it up to my depression, but really, I've been "home" for 2 months now. No job, no school. I stay home all day and cost more in electricity, Internet, water, no one likes me around. What exactly is my future? Will I ever get better than this?
I'm always in pain, I feel incapable of doing anything, I never do anything, if I do do something odds are I'm going to forget about it anyway, no one likes me and I don't really like people either.
What is the point?

I can only hope that somehow I will end my rut and be able to reach my goals, but most of the time I am not optimistic about the possibility of that.