It's come to my attention that many people in the autism community have issues when it comes to how they feel when they make social mistakes. These can be anything from replaying the conversation and event in your head, to depressed mood or thoughts based on feeling like you never say the "right" thing, or act normal. Many times it feels like you just can't and wont ever fit in, and no one truly wants to be your friend, or feels attached to you. This can end relationships both quickly and over time. It can result in apathy and lack of interest in forming relationships or communicating in general. I struggle every single time I notice I do something "wrong", and so do some of the people on my facebook page.
Right now I think I need to make this post to say I understand that struggle, and I know how bad it can get. But I'm facing it myself, I don't have the answers yet. But this is me promising that as I learn what works for me and share it, and even suggestions that I am skeptical of or that don't work for me I will mention so that maybe someone finds something that does work for them.
All I can say at this point is if it's not inherently negative, own it. Make it into a statement against the status quo and don't think of it as a mistake. If it is a mistake, then learn from it, but try not to remember the time you made the mistake as it can seep into your mind and make your future positive experiences stressful and anxiety inducing.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tom Plastow to Autism Parents
This should be a short tribute I want to write if tribute is the right word.
I have a friend from Facebook named Tom. He is similar to me, he likes doctor who, has anxiety is autistic, and is an activist in many of the same fields.
We both write and fight for feminism and for autism rights.
I can't help but feel proud because I "was there" when Tom began to make it bigger.
One post he wrote about an experience we and many others had with an autism mom, "the feminist breeder", had over 2,000 views.
It was a short and sweet "we don't want cured" post directed at parents of autistic people.
I personally don't like "autism parents" it's not grammatically correct and tends to indicate a certain level of egotism. Like having an autistic kids makes you a victim or super hero. Like it's you who is autistic. And they tend to be the least willing to learn and change based on the will of autistic people themselves.
I also dislike how it's like parenting autism, not a person.
They remind me of autism speaks. Orwellian double speak.
I, unlike Tom, make a distinction between autism parents and parents of autistic people. My choice based on how many self described autism parents act like autism speaks.
But however you view autism parents, it's clear everyone needs to read his post. Parents, friends, people not yet directly related to autism. Everyone can learn and thus grow and become more respectful.
And I'm proud that it seems people are doing exactly that. Tom had stated many positive messages have come in, many not knowing these things previously but happy to learn. This is very good.
And I'm glad people are willing to learn and read and educate themselves.
And I'm happy a friend is helping them to do so.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
My Hospitalization Part 2- The Hospital
I walk in side by side with my mom. I try to stay calm but seeing all the people and hearing all the noise scares me.
My mom tells a nurse I'm autistic and asks if I'm going to have to be out here with all the people and noise. She gives some answer I know means yes but my mom takes as a no.
They take me back for questioning but i can go with my mom. I think about demanding she stay with me but another nurse asks for a safety check. They direct me alone to a room. There are two nurses. I know this can't be good. They tell me to strip to my underwear. Great. I do them they tell me to take it off and then to lift my breasts and spin around. Great.
I'm a nudist but the demand freaks me out.
I tell my mom immediately. I've been breaking down off and on again since we came in.
They take away my soda and my clothes and I'm dressed only in two hospital robes and a pair of hospital pants and mesh panties.
I feel violated isolated and terrified. I cling to her. She offers to get me stuff but I demand she stay. Eventually they force her to go but she comes back with stuff.
No clothes. No books. Not even my contacts. She brought my large blanket my eevee and something else but I forget what.
I spend the whole night wanting to sleep. I found I can call her so it makes it livable. Some people talk to me so I talk to them. We eat a snack. But I'm waiting for my stuff and my meds. Once I take my meds I go to bed.
My roommate was yelling and having a scene earlier but she was actually nice. Everyone judged her wrong. I liked her.
But I wanted sleep.
I feel asleep fast partly from the sleeping drug. But about 2 am some guy comes in saying I go in the hall. I help move my bed and go back to sleep grumpy. I hoped I dreamed it but waking up to drugs and a prayer in the hall confirms I don't even very the privacy quiet and dark of a room.
I take my pills and sit around with nothing to do really.
Monday, February 10, 2014
My Hospitalization- Part 1 Exposition
Before Going In
About a week ago I was in a depressed rut.
I remember the trigger that set me off though. I had about an hour and a half of sleep and my mom basically thrust a full on driving session on me taking her to work. I was tired, cold, driving stresses me out, and I couldn't handle the stress at the time.
I try protesting but she tells me by Monday I need to be able to drive her and the kids to their schools. So I try. I try backing out of the driveway, which twice was unsuccessful. I pull back in because a truck is driving down the road.
Then she begins screaming and telling me how I can't seem to contribute anything, that I can't do anything right and how I'm going to cost the family $600 because I can't back out of the driveway correctly. I begin by getting angry and yelling back but then I get very hopeless and sad and every word she says seems to be true in my head. I begin thinking about death, and how I just don't want to be living anymore. I'm not crying, I'm just very numb to the world, consumed in my own thoughts of how worthless I am. She's right, no job, no school, no remarkable skills of any kind. I begin thinking how poison would be best if I could find one that is quick and easily available.
I decide to let a community on Facebook know I will kill myself, so I put up a comment in a group.
I begin an exchange and then once home I'm told how I can't even pick up the trash cans correctly.
I haven't thought of a good enough plan. So I start watching Star Trek and erase my post completely. My phone keeps going off so I check and apparently a lot of people have tagged and messaged etc me. This begins to annoy me, I was starting to feel better and then they drag it out and made my feelings return. I erased the post FOR A REASON.
My step-dad tells me my mom wants me at her work and he wont say why. I get very annoyed as I can guess, I pretend not to know in case it's something less awful. I tell him how I don't want to be around her after she spent 20 minutes this morning telling me how useless I am.
After we finally get there, many of her students ask me if I'm sick, once we leave she begins accusing me, so I demand she let me know one way in which I'm not a failure. I point out how they keep hiding these Buddhist temples so you can't see them until after you pass them. She says I'm observant. I still think that's rich, she's never called me that without sarcasm before.
We think of solutions that will be ANYTHING besides sending me away overnight. I can't handle being away overnight. I can barely handle traveling overnight. I try to handle hotels but I can't really sleep in them.
I'm willing to do any treatment but inpatient. But we go over how I'm not to say that so they can't force me to stay longer than 3 days if they decide that's what I need.
No, I wont let them decide I need that.
My step-dad decides St. Anthony's is best. I have reservations about going to a religious hospital, but after my younger brother wrote suicide threats on the wall in red marker, they decided he didn't really need anything, so I feel the risk of inpatient care will be minimal.
The nurse was quite rude and unprofessional. Downright accusatory and kept blaming me for running out of meds. My mom even points out how awful it is for a NURSE to tell a SUICIDAL patient how bad they are.
I note the irony of -her- being the one to say something about it.
On the way to the hospital we did get drinks from Sonic. I kept mine with me all the time, I was drinking very little to save it for as long as possible. I suppose it's a coping mechanism I have, I don't want to run out of something familiar when I'm somewhere I don't want to be. As soon as I get out of the hospital the better. Hopefully with a new prescription and a therapist. The suicide hotline, before hanging up on me, assured me they wont do inpatient care, just a quick evaluation 1-2 hours and send me with what I need.
About 5 hours into our waiting time I get a sharp pain in my shoulder blade and I contort. The comfy hospital bed (imo, though it seems I'm the only one that ever thinks so) typically feels nice but it's small and I'm trying to be contained while I adjust my body or hit it, or do whatever it takes to make the pain go away, though I don't know what it takes. My left side jerks and my bedside table is hit, my nearly full soda crashes to the ground and I shriek out. I begin bawling and have a complete meltdown. I can't speak, I can't think clearly. My entire world seems to have crashed. I can only stare and repeat how I was saving it, how I lose everything and nothing ever goes my way. I want to just fall to the ground in the puddle but my mom begins cleaning it. I just keep sobbing completely destroyed by the loss of my drink.
I did try to eat at the house, one of those little pot pies. I had not much appetite, so I gave more than half of mine to my mom, she was more hungry anyway.
That was all I ate that day, 4 bites of pot pie, and some sips of my soda. It was catching up. But I was still a mess. My mom told me that my step-dad will bring me some chicken sandwiches and a soda from McDonalds. I begin to realize how unhinged I seem so I start to try to censor myself. Any minute now a doctor will show up on my screen and tell me what she wants me to do.
Sure enough, a nurse wants a urine and blood sample, so I give him the samples easily and with what I learned to be inappropriate commentary about how I do like blood, and how I can handle needles but I have to see it. I nearly punched my nose piercer when she told me to close my eyes and THEN pierced my nose. The first time I was watching in a mirror. I thought it looked cool. The second time I was looking down at myself when she told me to close my eyes. I hated the trick and nearly punched her. I relayed that. while watching the blood flow into a tiny vial. Only another hour or so and another nurse sets me up with the doctor.
All goes well until the doctor asks if I've ever been hospitalized overnight before.
"No." I reply, "I wont be...now...will I?"
Something in her wording tipped me off. But at my question she tells me that it's standard and I will be transferred to a north side hospital if they have any empty beds, if not she will look for another.
I look at my mom and tell her to say something. But she doesn't, so I venture asking if my mom can just keep an eye on me instead. She's not a counselor. But my aunt it is! I look at my mom again. She can't read my "Tell her my aunt is a counselor" look.
Granted she's a vocational rehabilitation counselor just a few weeks from a doctorate...and in DC, as far away from me as my fiance. But she didn't say therapist, or psychiatrist, she said counselor. That wouldn't be lying it would just save me. But I don't want to push it, and risk going in for longer.
But I do begin to break down again as soon as she said it was standard procedure.
I feel hopeless and alone again. I'm virtually inconsolable. I just want to run away but I know it will be worse. My mom tries to watch an episode of the Big Bang Theory with me on her phone. We try for two hours. Somewhere in there she goes to the bathroom and my step-dad brings me my food. We came in at 2, it's now 9. I finish my food in time for a nurse to tell me that an ambulance will be ready as soon as the shift change is complete and the hospital does have empty beds.
"Great." I think.
We never did finish the episode, there was about 5-10 minutes left but it kept doing commercials, crashing, restarting, not starting at all, and eventually her phone died.
I notice the paramedics are friendly. My best friend's dad was a paramedic. He died 4 years ago to colon cancer. He was the closest I had to a real father. I had my dad and step-dad but my dad was so far away, and my step-dad unloving and even abusive. He even broke my collar bone once, still blames it on me for being so "bad", because I didn't understand his figures of speech. ("What is X doing Y?" I believe. Like what is that cup doing up there? NOTHING, it's a CUP, it can't DO anything, what kind of a question is that?)
We never liked each other. But Bill, my friend's dad...I always dreamed my mom would get with her dad after her mom left for an abusive guy in Texas. Funny how he, my dad, and my step-dad are all named "David", a name I began thinking of as synonymous with "asshole".
Bill however always listened, understood, cared, he was always there.
I considered being an EMT because of Bill. At least temporary.
I greatly respect, but am very hurt by the paramedics all at once. I hadn't been inside an ambulance since I was 9 years old and Bill was showing me around and explaining medical equipment to me. It hurt, big time.
I try to smile, and I do converse with the lady that was with me, but I keep missing Bill. He would have helped me. He would have understood. If he was here, I wouldn't be. Sometimes I think of Bill as more my friend than even my best friend was. Honestly I did love her, and not like a sister. But I felt she wouldn't have felt the same until after she confessed to me, after I was in a relationship. Knowing both parties are monogamists. I'm not, but they don't really want to budge, so she's stopped talking to me altogether. Which makes coping even harder.
I step out of the ambulance and walk away from the hospital towards my mom. I know I have to turn around but I don't want to be separated again.
I take a large gulp of my soda and then follow the paramedics inside, side by side with my mom.
About a week ago I was in a depressed rut.
I remember the trigger that set me off though. I had about an hour and a half of sleep and my mom basically thrust a full on driving session on me taking her to work. I was tired, cold, driving stresses me out, and I couldn't handle the stress at the time.
I try protesting but she tells me by Monday I need to be able to drive her and the kids to their schools. So I try. I try backing out of the driveway, which twice was unsuccessful. I pull back in because a truck is driving down the road.
Then she begins screaming and telling me how I can't seem to contribute anything, that I can't do anything right and how I'm going to cost the family $600 because I can't back out of the driveway correctly. I begin by getting angry and yelling back but then I get very hopeless and sad and every word she says seems to be true in my head. I begin thinking about death, and how I just don't want to be living anymore. I'm not crying, I'm just very numb to the world, consumed in my own thoughts of how worthless I am. She's right, no job, no school, no remarkable skills of any kind. I begin thinking how poison would be best if I could find one that is quick and easily available.
I decide to let a community on Facebook know I will kill myself, so I put up a comment in a group.
I begin an exchange and then once home I'm told how I can't even pick up the trash cans correctly.
I haven't thought of a good enough plan. So I start watching Star Trek and erase my post completely. My phone keeps going off so I check and apparently a lot of people have tagged and messaged etc me. This begins to annoy me, I was starting to feel better and then they drag it out and made my feelings return. I erased the post FOR A REASON.
My step-dad tells me my mom wants me at her work and he wont say why. I get very annoyed as I can guess, I pretend not to know in case it's something less awful. I tell him how I don't want to be around her after she spent 20 minutes this morning telling me how useless I am.
After we finally get there, many of her students ask me if I'm sick, once we leave she begins accusing me, so I demand she let me know one way in which I'm not a failure. I point out how they keep hiding these Buddhist temples so you can't see them until after you pass them. She says I'm observant. I still think that's rich, she's never called me that without sarcasm before.
We think of solutions that will be ANYTHING besides sending me away overnight. I can't handle being away overnight. I can barely handle traveling overnight. I try to handle hotels but I can't really sleep in them.
I'm willing to do any treatment but inpatient. But we go over how I'm not to say that so they can't force me to stay longer than 3 days if they decide that's what I need.
No, I wont let them decide I need that.
My step-dad decides St. Anthony's is best. I have reservations about going to a religious hospital, but after my younger brother wrote suicide threats on the wall in red marker, they decided he didn't really need anything, so I feel the risk of inpatient care will be minimal.
The nurse was quite rude and unprofessional. Downright accusatory and kept blaming me for running out of meds. My mom even points out how awful it is for a NURSE to tell a SUICIDAL patient how bad they are.
I note the irony of -her- being the one to say something about it.
On the way to the hospital we did get drinks from Sonic. I kept mine with me all the time, I was drinking very little to save it for as long as possible. I suppose it's a coping mechanism I have, I don't want to run out of something familiar when I'm somewhere I don't want to be. As soon as I get out of the hospital the better. Hopefully with a new prescription and a therapist. The suicide hotline, before hanging up on me, assured me they wont do inpatient care, just a quick evaluation 1-2 hours and send me with what I need.
About 5 hours into our waiting time I get a sharp pain in my shoulder blade and I contort. The comfy hospital bed (imo, though it seems I'm the only one that ever thinks so) typically feels nice but it's small and I'm trying to be contained while I adjust my body or hit it, or do whatever it takes to make the pain go away, though I don't know what it takes. My left side jerks and my bedside table is hit, my nearly full soda crashes to the ground and I shriek out. I begin bawling and have a complete meltdown. I can't speak, I can't think clearly. My entire world seems to have crashed. I can only stare and repeat how I was saving it, how I lose everything and nothing ever goes my way. I want to just fall to the ground in the puddle but my mom begins cleaning it. I just keep sobbing completely destroyed by the loss of my drink.
I did try to eat at the house, one of those little pot pies. I had not much appetite, so I gave more than half of mine to my mom, she was more hungry anyway.
That was all I ate that day, 4 bites of pot pie, and some sips of my soda. It was catching up. But I was still a mess. My mom told me that my step-dad will bring me some chicken sandwiches and a soda from McDonalds. I begin to realize how unhinged I seem so I start to try to censor myself. Any minute now a doctor will show up on my screen and tell me what she wants me to do.
Sure enough, a nurse wants a urine and blood sample, so I give him the samples easily and with what I learned to be inappropriate commentary about how I do like blood, and how I can handle needles but I have to see it. I nearly punched my nose piercer when she told me to close my eyes and THEN pierced my nose. The first time I was watching in a mirror. I thought it looked cool. The second time I was looking down at myself when she told me to close my eyes. I hated the trick and nearly punched her. I relayed that. while watching the blood flow into a tiny vial. Only another hour or so and another nurse sets me up with the doctor.
All goes well until the doctor asks if I've ever been hospitalized overnight before.
"No." I reply, "I wont be...now...will I?"
Something in her wording tipped me off. But at my question she tells me that it's standard and I will be transferred to a north side hospital if they have any empty beds, if not she will look for another.
I look at my mom and tell her to say something. But she doesn't, so I venture asking if my mom can just keep an eye on me instead. She's not a counselor. But my aunt it is! I look at my mom again. She can't read my "Tell her my aunt is a counselor" look.
Granted she's a vocational rehabilitation counselor just a few weeks from a doctorate...and in DC, as far away from me as my fiance. But she didn't say therapist, or psychiatrist, she said counselor. That wouldn't be lying it would just save me. But I don't want to push it, and risk going in for longer.
But I do begin to break down again as soon as she said it was standard procedure.
I feel hopeless and alone again. I'm virtually inconsolable. I just want to run away but I know it will be worse. My mom tries to watch an episode of the Big Bang Theory with me on her phone. We try for two hours. Somewhere in there she goes to the bathroom and my step-dad brings me my food. We came in at 2, it's now 9. I finish my food in time for a nurse to tell me that an ambulance will be ready as soon as the shift change is complete and the hospital does have empty beds.
"Great." I think.
We never did finish the episode, there was about 5-10 minutes left but it kept doing commercials, crashing, restarting, not starting at all, and eventually her phone died.
I notice the paramedics are friendly. My best friend's dad was a paramedic. He died 4 years ago to colon cancer. He was the closest I had to a real father. I had my dad and step-dad but my dad was so far away, and my step-dad unloving and even abusive. He even broke my collar bone once, still blames it on me for being so "bad", because I didn't understand his figures of speech. ("What is X doing Y?" I believe. Like what is that cup doing up there? NOTHING, it's a CUP, it can't DO anything, what kind of a question is that?)
We never liked each other. But Bill, my friend's dad...I always dreamed my mom would get with her dad after her mom left for an abusive guy in Texas. Funny how he, my dad, and my step-dad are all named "David", a name I began thinking of as synonymous with "asshole".
Bill however always listened, understood, cared, he was always there.
I considered being an EMT because of Bill. At least temporary.
I greatly respect, but am very hurt by the paramedics all at once. I hadn't been inside an ambulance since I was 9 years old and Bill was showing me around and explaining medical equipment to me. It hurt, big time.
I try to smile, and I do converse with the lady that was with me, but I keep missing Bill. He would have helped me. He would have understood. If he was here, I wouldn't be. Sometimes I think of Bill as more my friend than even my best friend was. Honestly I did love her, and not like a sister. But I felt she wouldn't have felt the same until after she confessed to me, after I was in a relationship. Knowing both parties are monogamists. I'm not, but they don't really want to budge, so she's stopped talking to me altogether. Which makes coping even harder.
I step out of the ambulance and walk away from the hospital towards my mom. I know I have to turn around but I don't want to be separated again.
I take a large gulp of my soda and then follow the paramedics inside, side by side with my mom.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Disturbed!
Okay I hear a lot from my friends, even my fiance, that Disturbed is "for posers" and "not that good". I disagree, they are one of my favorite bands. I like their sound and their message. On the surface you hear the metal music, and the screaming vocals, and in some cases swearing and you assume no "valid" point is made.
However there is.
It is also ironic that many religious conservatives act as if obviously it is hostile to their faith, when there are several references to likely judeo-christian beliefs. The album "Believe" for example not only has some very heavily religious themes, but it also has signs of 4 major religions, the Christian cross, the Jewish Star of David, the Islamic crescent, and the Wiccan pentagram.
Put simply it should be the kind of music you can like no matter your personal religious views.
The first 5 Disturbed songs I thought of, and their meanings, subtle and not, as well as videos for the songs are below. (They are in reverse order of how I thought of them, so they would be counting towards the "deepest", the ones I thought of immediately when thinking of this list).
5) Numb
I feel this song most speaks to the issue of ritualistic genital mutilation, especially male circumcision as done and it's effects on the victims in the United States. I'm sure there's another meaning, but this is what it says to me, and it seems straightforward with it's lyrics.
It starts:
"Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out. Oh!
Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out!
Bleeding now, I'm
Crying out, I'm
Falling down, and I'm
Feeling nothing, like
Laughing now, I'm
Stopping now, I'm
Reaching out, and I'm
Feeling nothing"
The kind of pain and bleeding and trauma cycle a newborn would go through when having the most sensitive part of their brand new hyper sensitized body is ripped and torn and cut. At the end the "And I'm....feeling nothing" might be in reference to the desensitization a circumcised penis goes through due to lost protection and continuous rubbing and roughening of the once soft and internal organ.
"Yeah, you've created a rift withing me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing.
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing."
Seems almost obvious to me, it seems to be about an adult who has found out that the genital mutilation surgery has left him with "several complications", maybe delayed ejaculation, ED, painful erections, among other possible complications that could show up as he sexually matures. And then he adds "I might say, you were wrong to take it from me, left me feeling nothing" is a rather harrowing condemnation of his inability to have a natural and healthy sex life and how it was wrong to take that away from him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t75HL3fhmcw
4) Down with the Sickness
Perhaps the most famous Disturbed song. This is one may be controversial but I will include it.
This song and the next one are the two most profane on my list, about every 5th word is some derivative of "fuck", don't read into my analysis if this might offend you. Or do anyway, I don't actually care. This seems to me to be about violence, most specifically about how when you are violent towards children they will grow to become violent themselves. In the often edited out verse it gives the most details that may support that interpretation. It seems to be talking about a scared child towards a violent parent and then the scared child grows into a more violent role to continue the cycle of abuse.
"(And when I dream x4)
No mommy, don't do it again,
Don't do it again,
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy, don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?
Don't do it, you're hurting me!
Why did you have to be such a bitch?
Why don't you,
Why don't just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just leave here and DIE?
Never stick your hand in my face again, bitch
FUCK YOU,
I don't need this shit,
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you like to see how it feels mommy?
Here it comes, get ready to DIE!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09LTT0xwdfw
3) Innocence
This is perhaps my favorite song by Disturbed, I wasn't able to link to the official video, but I did link to my favorite lyrics on screen video of it.
Innocence is one of many that doesn't have too much of a "hidden meaning" but rather sings directly to the issue.
It most accurately described as being about the justice system being messed up in high profile cases like Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. Since every verse talks about different types of cases, mother killing their children, murdered families, domestic violence, victimized children (seemingly a sexual abuse), etc but the main theme can be found in the chorus criticizing the corrupt system and the defenders of such people.
"Your corruption is like a cancer growing inside
You owe the world and apology.
You've been taught all your life that truth is easy to hide!
You'll face your judgement another day
And suffer eternally!
False defender, bur forever
False defender, bur forever
Cold and spineless, have you no soul?
Wicked-minded, out of control
And guided by their hunger
They will find new ways to betray us!"
2) Inside the Fire
This song is about the after effects of suicide. It is based on a true story where in his teen years the lead vocalist had a girlfriend who had committed suicide. From the music video it is easily interpreted that he struggled with feelings that she would be cast out of heaven due to the unwholesome act of suicide and then struggled with his own suicidal feelings. It is implied that devil himself is urging him to kill himself with a chorus that includes lines like
"Release your life
To begin another time with her.
End your grief with me
There's another way.
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her!"
And frequent mentions of
"Devin lies beyond this portal, take the word of one immortal"
Seeming like the devil is talking to him and telling him it would be easy to "Give your soul to me, for eternity" to "begin another time with her".
Which hits close for many who are left after someone close to them has committed suicide.
This song even comes with a plea to contact a suicide hotline if you or someone you know is in crisis and starts with the vocalist saying that it's unfortunately a sensitive topic that is close to him since he has personally dealt with it.
The entire song is basically suicide awareness on a large scale, and coping with the traumatic event on a personal level.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxujAPhxlo0
1) Another Way to Die
This song is heavily about pollution and global warming. It's not even hidden or you have to try to understand what some lyrical poetic double speak might mean. It is very straight forward.
If these lyrics from the song don't show you, then the video below them might.
"It's just another way to die
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwELajFteTo
However there is.
It is also ironic that many religious conservatives act as if obviously it is hostile to their faith, when there are several references to likely judeo-christian beliefs. The album "Believe" for example not only has some very heavily religious themes, but it also has signs of 4 major religions, the Christian cross, the Jewish Star of David, the Islamic crescent, and the Wiccan pentagram.
Put simply it should be the kind of music you can like no matter your personal religious views.
The first 5 Disturbed songs I thought of, and their meanings, subtle and not, as well as videos for the songs are below. (They are in reverse order of how I thought of them, so they would be counting towards the "deepest", the ones I thought of immediately when thinking of this list).
5) Numb
I feel this song most speaks to the issue of ritualistic genital mutilation, especially male circumcision as done and it's effects on the victims in the United States. I'm sure there's another meaning, but this is what it says to me, and it seems straightforward with it's lyrics.
It starts:
"Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out. Oh!
Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out!
Bleeding now, I'm
Crying out, I'm
Falling down, and I'm
Feeling nothing, like
Laughing now, I'm
Stopping now, I'm
Reaching out, and I'm
Feeling nothing"
The kind of pain and bleeding and trauma cycle a newborn would go through when having the most sensitive part of their brand new hyper sensitized body is ripped and torn and cut. At the end the "And I'm....feeling nothing" might be in reference to the desensitization a circumcised penis goes through due to lost protection and continuous rubbing and roughening of the once soft and internal organ.
"Yeah, you've created a rift withing me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing.
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing."
Seems almost obvious to me, it seems to be about an adult who has found out that the genital mutilation surgery has left him with "several complications", maybe delayed ejaculation, ED, painful erections, among other possible complications that could show up as he sexually matures. And then he adds "I might say, you were wrong to take it from me, left me feeling nothing" is a rather harrowing condemnation of his inability to have a natural and healthy sex life and how it was wrong to take that away from him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t75HL3fhmcw
4) Down with the Sickness
Perhaps the most famous Disturbed song. This is one may be controversial but I will include it.
This song and the next one are the two most profane on my list, about every 5th word is some derivative of "fuck", don't read into my analysis if this might offend you. Or do anyway, I don't actually care. This seems to me to be about violence, most specifically about how when you are violent towards children they will grow to become violent themselves. In the often edited out verse it gives the most details that may support that interpretation. It seems to be talking about a scared child towards a violent parent and then the scared child grows into a more violent role to continue the cycle of abuse.
"(And when I dream x4)
No mommy, don't do it again,
Don't do it again,
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy, don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?
Don't do it, you're hurting me!
Why did you have to be such a bitch?
Why don't you,
Why don't just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just leave here and DIE?
Never stick your hand in my face again, bitch
FUCK YOU,
I don't need this shit,
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you like to see how it feels mommy?
Here it comes, get ready to DIE!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09LTT0xwdfw
3) Innocence
This is perhaps my favorite song by Disturbed, I wasn't able to link to the official video, but I did link to my favorite lyrics on screen video of it.
Innocence is one of many that doesn't have too much of a "hidden meaning" but rather sings directly to the issue.
It most accurately described as being about the justice system being messed up in high profile cases like Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. Since every verse talks about different types of cases, mother killing their children, murdered families, domestic violence, victimized children (seemingly a sexual abuse), etc but the main theme can be found in the chorus criticizing the corrupt system and the defenders of such people.
"Your corruption is like a cancer growing inside
You owe the world and apology.
You've been taught all your life that truth is easy to hide!
You'll face your judgement another day
And suffer eternally!
False defender, bur forever
False defender, bur forever
Cold and spineless, have you no soul?
Wicked-minded, out of control
And guided by their hunger
They will find new ways to betray us!"
2) Inside the Fire
This song is about the after effects of suicide. It is based on a true story where in his teen years the lead vocalist had a girlfriend who had committed suicide. From the music video it is easily interpreted that he struggled with feelings that she would be cast out of heaven due to the unwholesome act of suicide and then struggled with his own suicidal feelings. It is implied that devil himself is urging him to kill himself with a chorus that includes lines like
"Release your life
To begin another time with her.
End your grief with me
There's another way.
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her!"
And frequent mentions of
"Devin lies beyond this portal, take the word of one immortal"
Seeming like the devil is talking to him and telling him it would be easy to "Give your soul to me, for eternity" to "begin another time with her".
Which hits close for many who are left after someone close to them has committed suicide.
This song even comes with a plea to contact a suicide hotline if you or someone you know is in crisis and starts with the vocalist saying that it's unfortunately a sensitive topic that is close to him since he has personally dealt with it.
The entire song is basically suicide awareness on a large scale, and coping with the traumatic event on a personal level.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxujAPhxlo0
1) Another Way to Die
This song is heavily about pollution and global warming. It's not even hidden or you have to try to understand what some lyrical poetic double speak might mean. It is very straight forward.
If these lyrics from the song don't show you, then the video below them might.
"It's just another way to die
There can be no other reason why
You know we should have seen it coming
Consequences, we cannot deny
Will be revealed in time
You know we should have seen it coming
Consequences, we cannot deny
Will be revealed in time
Glaciers melt as we pollute the sky
A sign of devastation coming
We don't need another way to die
Can we repent in time?"
and
"Species fall before our very eyes
A world they cannot survive in
Left them with another way to die
Are we dead inside?"
A sign of devastation coming
We don't need another way to die
Can we repent in time?"
and
"Species fall before our very eyes
A world they cannot survive in
Left them with another way to die
Are we dead inside?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwELajFteTo
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Satanism, Christianity, and The OKC Capital
As many who grew up in Oklahoma and/or Wyoming, I was brought up as a Christian...at least until I reached the age of reason, which for me was age 14.
As a child I never "really" believed, but I wanted to because everyone else did. I seemed wrong, bad, and like God will punish me because I really didn't believe. I compensated by acting ultra religious and hoping the belief would just stick. It never really did. At 14 I learned that atheists exist, and it gave me hope that maybe I wasn't bad to not believe.
As a child there were many traditions I didn't understand, doing hair and makeup, and wearing clothes at all. If God made you in his image, and made you perfect, altering, hiding, and acting as if his creation is dirty, sinful, or bad, would be highly insulting to his creation. And that was well before Doctor Who decided you can't wear clothes to church. Maybe Matt Smith was onto something there...
But at 14 shortly after being in the debate community heavily filled with atheists one of my friends was kicked out of her church because she was outed as bisexual. She picked up on Wicca. At the same time a previously catholic friend went through issues involving divorce and incest and turned to Satanism. I decided to read up on both. My mom caught me reading into Wicca and declared that non christian literature to be a threat and not welcomed. I decided at that moment there was no truth to Christianity. Any faith challenged by education on others isn't a true one.
I read Wicca was against indoctrination, or preaching to those that don't ask for it. I'd believe Wicca to be more valid.
Satanism is more an acceptance of human nature and a more flamboyant way of being an atheist. At least that's what it was for me when I was identified as a Satanist for 2 years.
I've since let go of it, while still accepting that most of the teachings are more valid and moral than Christian teachings. All beliefs have their flaws and I currently follow none.
Now it seems as a former Satanist, and a former Christian (one of maybe 20 in the whole state) I am right in the middle of this state capital controversy.
I am against infringements on the first amendment. If you allow one, you must allow all. I'd rather the Satanic symbol be of the 11 Rules of Earth than the silly statue they picked. But then again, I'd rather they have nothing at all. Leave the public land for our constitutionally secular laws and representation. Leave our private lands for us to express our personal ideas and beliefs, including religious.
I'm not going to advocate against the satanic statue simply because I believe currently our state needs that controversy to see what is wrong with the 10 Hebrew commandments being erected on public land, and they already have done that.
I am however annoyed when someone implies or explicitly says that one is worse than the other.
I have no value in Christianity, but many do. I see it as an immoral religion that is mostly a political tool in my country these days. Satanism however better represents The United States, pro greed, anti child/animal suffering, anti rape, pro learning from the past, pro accepting human nature, etc.
Neither is more valid on state grounds.
Neither should be on state grounds.
If either is on public land, the other must be as well, and so must other religious symbols of those who wish to be represented in such a silly show.
The controversy is ridiculous.
I am very against Christianity and organized religion as a whole.
However I am not anti christians or religious people.
I am against organized religion because I think as a whole, especially when there is a central leader, it is open for corruption, cherry picking, and cult like use of people as political tools. I see little value in organized religion. There is value only in socializing with those of similar opinions, which you can do without churches and popes.
I do dislike religion, all of it, but that doesn't equate into hating every religious person. I feel most people have to cope in one way or another. Some religions bring the hope and peace someone may need. Some are just terrifying and you just gotta ditch them.
I don't like organized religion however, because I feel it is easily a tool for certain few to decide how you should think, act, and what you should do.
I think my state needs to grow up, and accept that not everyone agrees.
As a child I never "really" believed, but I wanted to because everyone else did. I seemed wrong, bad, and like God will punish me because I really didn't believe. I compensated by acting ultra religious and hoping the belief would just stick. It never really did. At 14 I learned that atheists exist, and it gave me hope that maybe I wasn't bad to not believe.
As a child there were many traditions I didn't understand, doing hair and makeup, and wearing clothes at all. If God made you in his image, and made you perfect, altering, hiding, and acting as if his creation is dirty, sinful, or bad, would be highly insulting to his creation. And that was well before Doctor Who decided you can't wear clothes to church. Maybe Matt Smith was onto something there...
But at 14 shortly after being in the debate community heavily filled with atheists one of my friends was kicked out of her church because she was outed as bisexual. She picked up on Wicca. At the same time a previously catholic friend went through issues involving divorce and incest and turned to Satanism. I decided to read up on both. My mom caught me reading into Wicca and declared that non christian literature to be a threat and not welcomed. I decided at that moment there was no truth to Christianity. Any faith challenged by education on others isn't a true one.
I read Wicca was against indoctrination, or preaching to those that don't ask for it. I'd believe Wicca to be more valid.
Satanism is more an acceptance of human nature and a more flamboyant way of being an atheist. At least that's what it was for me when I was identified as a Satanist for 2 years.
I've since let go of it, while still accepting that most of the teachings are more valid and moral than Christian teachings. All beliefs have their flaws and I currently follow none.
Now it seems as a former Satanist, and a former Christian (one of maybe 20 in the whole state) I am right in the middle of this state capital controversy.
I am against infringements on the first amendment. If you allow one, you must allow all. I'd rather the Satanic symbol be of the 11 Rules of Earth than the silly statue they picked. But then again, I'd rather they have nothing at all. Leave the public land for our constitutionally secular laws and representation. Leave our private lands for us to express our personal ideas and beliefs, including religious.
I'm not going to advocate against the satanic statue simply because I believe currently our state needs that controversy to see what is wrong with the 10 Hebrew commandments being erected on public land, and they already have done that.
I am however annoyed when someone implies or explicitly says that one is worse than the other.
I have no value in Christianity, but many do. I see it as an immoral religion that is mostly a political tool in my country these days. Satanism however better represents The United States, pro greed, anti child/animal suffering, anti rape, pro learning from the past, pro accepting human nature, etc.
Neither is more valid on state grounds.
Neither should be on state grounds.
If either is on public land, the other must be as well, and so must other religious symbols of those who wish to be represented in such a silly show.
The controversy is ridiculous.
I am very against Christianity and organized religion as a whole.
However I am not anti christians or religious people.
I am against organized religion because I think as a whole, especially when there is a central leader, it is open for corruption, cherry picking, and cult like use of people as political tools. I see little value in organized religion. There is value only in socializing with those of similar opinions, which you can do without churches and popes.
I do dislike religion, all of it, but that doesn't equate into hating every religious person. I feel most people have to cope in one way or another. Some religions bring the hope and peace someone may need. Some are just terrifying and you just gotta ditch them.
I don't like organized religion however, because I feel it is easily a tool for certain few to decide how you should think, act, and what you should do.
I think my state needs to grow up, and accept that not everyone agrees.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Life Goals
As many people who follow me might know, I am a very outspoken pro choice individual. However many may not realize that I want to become an abortion provider, and maybe open my own clinic(s).
I am looking for clinics nearby that I may be able to volunteer for. I want to work as an escort, or with emotional support, or as a counter protester. I have asked clinics nearby if they would like me to help them, but have gotten no response back. My next step is to call in, but I have such anxiety that any phone call is difficult for me. It makes me question how much I would actually be able to do if I did get a job or volunteer position.
I feel like because of terrorism, low pay, and ever changing laws and political battles there are not enough abortion providers in my country, and I also feel like it is something I can feel good about providing or helping to provide.
Sometimes I am pessimistic about my ability to do anything though.
I also want to move to Canada with my fiance, I know they have a shortage of abortion providers too, but not as much as here.
Okay lets be honest about how and what I actually think. This, from here, is going to get pretty personal, raw, and a little too honest.
It just feels to me a lot of times like I'm never going anywhere or doing anything, and it makes my ultimate goals seem far less likely. Sometimes it truly feels like it's just simply not worth it to even think that I will end up doing anything.
I know I have severe depression, I've tried two different meds, haven't found one that works yet, and am waiting to see a doctor (since I moved states). My last round I quit suddenly (not really by choice, I ran out of ALL my medications including Neurontin which they gave me to maybe help with pain and it can cause seizures if you suddenly stop, it also did nothing for my pain). It just seems that even that makes me feel even more hopeless.
Sometimes it feels like my advocacy and political work, and leaving some kind of a mark online where maybe someone will go and read that someone that thinks like me existed and might think about it, and might eventually change their positions, it seems like the only good I might be able to do. Sometimes it really feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything that involves social interaction, will never get a real job or keep one, will never really complete school, or do well, will never move out, will never be successful. And I know everyone that spends any time around me ends up hating me.
It feels a lot of times like I am nothing but a problem, a leech, something that is just a drain.
I try and try to reach out and do better, but I never seem able to do so. I just barely got a driver's permit, I'm 19, and I'm not even able to drive my family around yet because I need someone who could drive themselves to be in the car with me if I were to drive. I don't make money, no one buys my knitting, I didn't even finish my CNA class.
I am massively insecure about my "accomplishments" and my future, and yet I still have these big grand goals of leaving the states, becoming a doctor, having a charity where I can provide free abortions for low income women and give to funds where those living in other states can afford the ones they need, fostering and adopting older kids and teens in need.
It's really kind of hard to keep trying to push forth as this happy, loving, optimistic young person when I keep feeling like I am, always have been, and always will be a loser. I can't even sign up for college without massive amounts of help.
I mean sure you might chalk it up to my depression, but really, I've been "home" for 2 months now. No job, no school. I stay home all day and cost more in electricity, Internet, water, no one likes me around. What exactly is my future? Will I ever get better than this?
I'm always in pain, I feel incapable of doing anything, I never do anything, if I do do something odds are I'm going to forget about it anyway, no one likes me and I don't really like people either.
What is the point?
I can only hope that somehow I will end my rut and be able to reach my goals, but most of the time I am not optimistic about the possibility of that.
I am looking for clinics nearby that I may be able to volunteer for. I want to work as an escort, or with emotional support, or as a counter protester. I have asked clinics nearby if they would like me to help them, but have gotten no response back. My next step is to call in, but I have such anxiety that any phone call is difficult for me. It makes me question how much I would actually be able to do if I did get a job or volunteer position.
I feel like because of terrorism, low pay, and ever changing laws and political battles there are not enough abortion providers in my country, and I also feel like it is something I can feel good about providing or helping to provide.
Sometimes I am pessimistic about my ability to do anything though.
I also want to move to Canada with my fiance, I know they have a shortage of abortion providers too, but not as much as here.
Okay lets be honest about how and what I actually think. This, from here, is going to get pretty personal, raw, and a little too honest.
It just feels to me a lot of times like I'm never going anywhere or doing anything, and it makes my ultimate goals seem far less likely. Sometimes it truly feels like it's just simply not worth it to even think that I will end up doing anything.
I know I have severe depression, I've tried two different meds, haven't found one that works yet, and am waiting to see a doctor (since I moved states). My last round I quit suddenly (not really by choice, I ran out of ALL my medications including Neurontin which they gave me to maybe help with pain and it can cause seizures if you suddenly stop, it also did nothing for my pain). It just seems that even that makes me feel even more hopeless.
Sometimes it feels like my advocacy and political work, and leaving some kind of a mark online where maybe someone will go and read that someone that thinks like me existed and might think about it, and might eventually change their positions, it seems like the only good I might be able to do. Sometimes it really feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything that involves social interaction, will never get a real job or keep one, will never really complete school, or do well, will never move out, will never be successful. And I know everyone that spends any time around me ends up hating me.
It feels a lot of times like I am nothing but a problem, a leech, something that is just a drain.
I try and try to reach out and do better, but I never seem able to do so. I just barely got a driver's permit, I'm 19, and I'm not even able to drive my family around yet because I need someone who could drive themselves to be in the car with me if I were to drive. I don't make money, no one buys my knitting, I didn't even finish my CNA class.
I am massively insecure about my "accomplishments" and my future, and yet I still have these big grand goals of leaving the states, becoming a doctor, having a charity where I can provide free abortions for low income women and give to funds where those living in other states can afford the ones they need, fostering and adopting older kids and teens in need.
It's really kind of hard to keep trying to push forth as this happy, loving, optimistic young person when I keep feeling like I am, always have been, and always will be a loser. I can't even sign up for college without massive amounts of help.
I mean sure you might chalk it up to my depression, but really, I've been "home" for 2 months now. No job, no school. I stay home all day and cost more in electricity, Internet, water, no one likes me around. What exactly is my future? Will I ever get better than this?
I'm always in pain, I feel incapable of doing anything, I never do anything, if I do do something odds are I'm going to forget about it anyway, no one likes me and I don't really like people either.
What is the point?
I can only hope that somehow I will end my rut and be able to reach my goals, but most of the time I am not optimistic about the possibility of that.
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