EMS

I want to expose evils I've noticed in many cases not just one. This is not late coverage of Elliot Rodger. This is an independent view of culture, society, and violence in general, using the case of Elliot Rodger to provide an example.

In the media we hear about women who kill. She's pure evil. It's what happens when we have abortion on demand and no fault divorce. Atheism and working mothers. (Unless she murders her autistic kid then obviously it's what happens with autism cause autistic people are so bad...)

If a black man kills many people its "thug culture", "gangs", "single parents", and many things that blame the black and even just minority and poverty stricken community as a whole.

If a perceived Muslim person (muslim, Arabic, sikh, etc) kills many people then it's terrorism, anti American sentiment, those people are inherently hateful and violent.

(I know Rodger isn't "fully white", but white enough to obviously resent his Asian side and harbor some racist feelings himself. But again aside from the point I just realize many people will comment "ha! He's not actually white!!"

Neither is that kkk guy that found out he was like 17% black or something like that.)

But when a perceived white man commits this kind of a crime the first cop outs are mental illness and possible asperger's syndrome.
Because you know we can't have those kinds associated with us.

The reality is, those of us with mental hath illnesses are far more likely to be victims the  perpetrators of violence.
Autism of any kind is not associated with violent behavior.
Aside from in the moment  bursts of action and emotion due to triggered stress or over stimulation.
There's no link between premeditated murder or terrorism and autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

No the only relevant mental health problem is Entitled Male Syndrome. Sometimes called Entitled White Male Syndrome.

This happens when someone is raised to believe that (usually) he deserves everything. And that women dress and have sex according to his desires in either fulfilling them or screwing him over. Women dress "revealingly" for male attention and "modestly" to discourage it (aka playing hard to get).
Women are sluts if they have sex with men who aren't you and bitches if they don't have sex with you.

If you spent money on a girl or got her intoxicated then she owes you sex and it's not rape when forced or coerced on a date or intoxicated woman.

That men should "have a say" in abortion and women's bodies but should not be obligated to do the minimum to help provide for the child they insist be born.

These mindsets are common in EMS and if you agreed with more than 2, regardless of race or gender you are affected. Non men can in fact be carriers which fuel nd make the disease stronger. By blaming rape victims, slut shaming (or its reverse "prude shaming" for a lack of  better term. Shaming a woman for not consenting to sex with someone who feels like they bought that right.), and anti reproductive rights activism (note this doesn't include those who don't want abortion for themselves or who choose to allow others to influence their decisions on birth control abortion or choosing whether or not to ever become parents. Only those that shame or attack the rights of others to make the decisions right for them. And it's not exclusive to abortion. The concept of limiting sterilization rights to young or child free people, denying free highly effective contraception especially for teens, restricting emergency contraception etc are all included)

There's no known cure for EMS but many are hopeful that prolonged exposure to feminism may counteract some of the harmful attitudes and views and may reverse some of the effects.

Persons affected with EMS are not all violent or even capable of rape or murder. But it can very well be a catalyst, and curing this disease to prevent the needless suffering is a priority.

No other mental health illness would affect someone in such a way.

But proper disclosure.  EMS is neither a neurological disorder nor a true mental illness. The brain does not look any different and doesn't work any different. It's purely a mindset disease. This is a purely social disease and speaking out and fighting against it is the only "cure", it is therefore everyone's obligation to defeat to defeat this social illness.

Next time you talk about a killer being mentally ill, think about what the gender and race of the killer is.  For best results also record your findings when the words thug, gang, culture, divorce, and similar other key words appear.

Media coverage, and more disturbingly, societal attitudes tend to find a way to create ableist conversations that further alienate the mentally ill and neurologically different. More fear and hatred is created and more pro eugenics sentiment is expressed. In a seriousness this this is This is a disturbing trend I hope I can help out a stop to.

Regulation of emotions

I've noticed that my emotions often tend to be misinterpreted if not seen "too easily" to be considered polite.
Most of it includes things I don't really think about. My fave is naturally "frowning", and my natural stance is a hug like hold on myself seen as arms folded like I'm angry. People also say I'm "looking at them wrong" or like I'm glaring at them.
This is almost always unintentional and not because I'm feeling any certain way. Most of the time I'm just lost in my own thoughts or caught up remembering or focusing on music or something someone said.

I can usually not appear too offensive though if I really focus on keeping my arms looking relaxed (even though it's very uncomfortable and not relaxed to me) and looking at people's eyebrows while focusing on keeping my eyes opened uncomfortably wide. It also helps if I focus on keeping my mouth in a slight smile. I can do all of these but if I do its hard to focus on any conversation.

My second issue with communication is "tone policing", I have virtually no control over tone and cannot tell the difference between when I say something happily or angerly. I seriously can't short of screaming and even then the excitement/anger border eludes me.
I'm often told I've said something in a hateful or angry tone and half the time I'm like "well I'm mad so it's going to sound mad" and the other half I'm not mad until the confrontation so I have no idea why I'd come across as angry. But usually I'm chastised for "being angry" which does enrage me, for being untrue and being a BS reason to be in trouble. People get mad, get over it.

I've got body language so that I can more or less pull off being non offensive, but no clue on regulating tone. Maybe there's tips I've never even considered. But even body language alone exhausts me. plus it does seem like people want a reason to be angry at me anyway.

Coverage of murdered autistic people

Trigger warning: this includes murder, suicide, victim blaming, and sympathy for murderers of autistic children.

I will be using a Canadian story found here from a British Columbia online newspaper, this story is of a murder suicide committed by a woman against herself and her 16 year old autistic son.

The first thing I noticed was a picture that took me to a slide show of three pictures. The first said the mother had left a suicide note because she couldn't handle her "severely autistic" son.
The second said the son expressed communication frustrations in violent ways; it also claimed the mother was 100 pounds and added "single" in what I can only speculate is an attempt to show her even more sympathy.
The third claimed she asked for him to be placed for residential placement according to her family.

Already this story sets the tone. The murderer is the real victim. He was violent, out if control, "severely autistic" and she couldn't pawn him off into a harmful and abusive environment.
Already the story left a bad taste in my mouth.

When I began reading the article something stood out. Like usual the article restated captions from the included pictures but with more detail.

It described the murderer as "loving" and "shy" and painted a picture of a small fragile woman all alone, and throughout the article wrote about how she loved him.

Likewise it called him large, referred to him as "severely autistic" (by the way the article describes it "severely autistic" means non-verbal, mute, or non-speaking. Different people prefer different terms) and mentioned how one trail he and his mother went to was the "only place he could be calm".

By this point OBVIOUSLY the nice sweet loving young lady must have had a good reason to terminate not only her own life but her "profusely disabled son" as the article would have called him.

The article explains she was "too tired" to take him on the hike because had been "acting up".

The article goes on to make it clear he was large and violent. It blamed a violent episode for hospitalization that lead to being medically sedated (I'm not sure about Canadian law but US laws explicitly ban chemical restraints through OMNIBUS. I assume Canadian laws are similar and if not this is one area they could improve). The hospital gave a months supply "hundreds of pills" apparently for sedation.

Apparently instead of sedating the child he deserved to be overdosed until death, according to available evidence.

According to her family her note blamed not being able to just get rid of her teenage child (which causes intense mental anguish, pain, suffering, and regression) for being inconvenient, which obviously showed love, desperation, and a need for state sponsored harm to children.

Reportedly a relative, Ron Watson had said "we don't blame anyone", even though there was a note of confession and siting a need for "better resources".

The article ends in a quote about how well supported people just don't do this.

This is a worrisome trend in the reporting of autism related murder. Blame the victim and then claim that the murderer is a victim.

This is a trend we must reverse by calling out this bias and the harmful effects of it. I mean when murdering a disabled child is seen as reasonable of course "sweet and loving" people will viciously murder disabled people.

This has been highly emotional for me but I hope it helps shine a light on this awful issue.

Gender variation

I am not sure how common being lgb and or t is in the autism community compared to the population as a whole.
By this I mean basically non straight and/or non cisgender.

What I can speak about is my own experience. I've written before about my sequel orientation so I will now focus on my gender identity.

It seems with all things I face it's not so straight forward and easy to explain. Again I'm not sure if that's more common with those on the spectrum or not.

I was born female. But most of the time I feel very little gender connection at all. I prefer shirt androgynous hair styles and baggy clothes but also push up bras female underwear (not that I've tried male yet who knows I might prefer it) and figure fitting jackets that seem feminine but I can't put my finger on why (my favorite is Grey black and white fleece with a hood figure fitting and cuts off about my waist).
However I'm also two-spirit or bigendered. This means sometimes I feel feminine yes. I will love my feminine curves and want to show them feel extra romantic play with my appearance and sometimes even wear makeup.

But sometimes I feel more masculine. Most of these times I just basically ignore it. But sometimes the emotional instability is too strong. I don't own anything to compress my chest I barely managed to take a sports bra from my mom. I just don't feel right and any reminder of my sex can trigger me. I become easily agitated and upset. These major flare ups tend only to last 1-2 weeks but they can be hell.

I've been thinking of taking hormone blockers. I'm past puberty and my beasts are already very large so I'm not sure how much good it would do. But I do imagine it would help prevent fertility and other unwanted effects. But since it's such a minority experience I wonder if it's even be worth the hassle in oklahoma.

I realize that I am my feminine persona but I feel detached from it when I'm in this state and reminders can be painful. On Facebook I've adopted a make persona as well so I can interact more "as myself" at all times.

I'm really hoping these changes help.
But there are some issues I will never be able to fix. I want to masturbate as a male but any kind of surgery is out for multiple reasons let alone changing my genitals for the minority of my experiences.
I wonder sometimes if my masculine side appears more or less often or when it's most likely to emerge so I'm planning on tracking it.

I remember back in kindergarten I half the time identified as a boy and half as a girl. Once I got into grade school the teachers segregated by stated sex things like bathrooms and library passes and some classroom games, and I was no longer "alex". I believe taking away my ability to effortlessly identify as my true self on a day to day basis may have caused some of my problems. I think trying to pass as a straight cis girl even when I wasn't was a problem.

It's not very organized I just wrote everything about my experience as I thought it and I hope this is beneficial yo someone.

To parents of autistic children

First of all I will start by explaining that "autism parent" is a term that annoys me. It implies that the parent is the one dealing with autism. It seems to send a note of arrogance or self pity. It's not even grammatically correct. I reserve that term only to parents of autistic children that I find annoying or hateful, because in my mind that's what I think of when I hear "autism parent". Otherwise you are a parent of an autistic person.

Second of all how dare some of you try to define autism in YOUR personal terms? There are millions of us all over the spectrum, all with different abilities and sensory abilities. Just because your child is having difficulties in some areas does not mean they will never be able to talk, form relationships, or cook. But the way some of you talk about your children it's as if you've given up and you do not care to see improvement. You have no confidence, and provide no support for them to grow as a person, and guess what, people only ever grow as far as they believe they can.
Just because your child has an inability to do something, assuming that it can never be overcome, does not mean everyone on the spectrum is the same way. There are many health issues that affect many people, some are NT, some are autistic. Just because I cannot grasp my hands enough to cut or wash many things does not mean that you aren't "really" autistic because you can. Just because your child has sensory issues from smells, does not mean I too am affected in that same way.
Everyone on the spectrum has a wide range of abilities and disabilities. We each stim, we all have different sensor triggers, and yes, we all have emotions, including empathy.
High functioning autism, HFA, affects the brain in the same ways as classic autism with a few differences. In HFA there tends to be fewer autism characteristics, the person is generally able to communicate their thoughts and feelings more effectively, and while classic autism is correlated with a lower than average IQ, HFA is associated with a higher IQ. Including Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Thomas Jefferson, and many other geniuses throughout time.
Now this is not to say that those with classic autism are stupid, or that everyone with HFA is smart, it is simply a difference in correlation. And perhaps with more improved ways of testing IQ we might find that those with classic autism are also more intelligent but less able to share with the rest of the population.

Just because we don't seem enough like what YOUR idea of autism is, doesn't mean we don't know more about autism than you. Chances are if you have this attitude you NEVER look at how autism affects the person, but rather look at how the autistic person affects YOU. From an outsider looking in perhaps it does look entirely different. As one youtube comment I read put it, one is simply "Emotionally constipated geeky types that can't get laid" and the other are people with "real issues that need help in daily life".
Yes perhaps it seems that way if you're looking from the outside.
But if you look at the mind, and how it actually affects the person it's the same condition.
HFA or classic, we can become over stimulated. For me this is when it is too cold, there are loud or conflicting noises, or there are bright lights or crowds of people. I find many smells soothing and use them to relax. Unfortunately my mother is allergic to perfumes and my stepdad has asthma so it really narrows down my ability to help myself via smell.
A non-verbal autistic person is also affected by stimulation in ways NT people are not. Due to being limited or unable to communicate their issues they express their discomfort in other ways such as tantrums, screaming, stimming, or violent outbreaks.
A verbal person might be able to say "This is getting too loud for me, I'm going to step away for a while." or otherwise be able to remove ourselves from the situation.

We are otherwise more likely to be able to sense things differently, such as hearing colors. I personally am not sure how that works or how it would register, but I do know it happens sometimes, and mostly in autistic people. We also are more likely to have eidetic (photographic) memory, and abilities to see or solve things that other people cannot.  It even makes some sense because our brains are wired differently so that we process stimuli differently, in the wiring differences it isn't entirely unlikely that strange and interesting possibilities occur.

I might not look or even act like your child, but that doesn't mean I'm not real, and it doesn't mean I'm not autistic. It means you simply haven't learned to look beyond your narcissistic surface.

Third I cannot stress this enough. Any therapy, technology, or "treatment" should have the goal of making the patient feel more comfortable and to improve their quality of life. Not to increase convenience of parents, friends, or caregivers. Many therapies and treatments to "help" with autism are focused on making the person seem more "normal" or to simply make them stop having outbursts. Not on actually helping to prevent overstimulation or other events potentially harmful to the person. These kinds of therapies, much like ex-gay therapy, relies solely on covering up, ignoring, and suppressing the difference. And like ex-gay therapy simply denying your nature and forcing yourself to not show your difference doesn't make it go away, it simply makes it harder to deal with. Some of these treatments have used electroshock therapy, bleach enemas, and other potentially dangerous, painful, and harmful methods that should be banned, and typically is.
If the person primarily benefiting from any type of treatment isn't the one being "treated" it's not real medicine, it's considered a type of abuse. I'm not sure how it translates to parents, but I do know in nursing that using chemical restraints is forbidden. Chemical restraints typically means using medical treatment to render the person unconscious, immobile, more agreeable, or easier to deal with for the purpose of staff convenience. (Giving needed medications to improve their quality of life, such as antidepressants in a patient that needs them, does not count as a restraint.)

What is wrong with Autism Speaks?

Autism Speaks is a notable Autism focused group. They raise money for awareness. That's about all that most people know. You go to the store and buy a blue puzzle piece to support autism awareness.
But what is this awareness they support? I mean most people know autism exists. How many people know what autism really is? Do they educate about how autistic people think? Do they have autistic leadership? Do they teach the best ways to interact with autistic people?

Actually they don't. If you spend any time in communities of autistic people you are inevitably going to learn the problems with Autism Speaks. But what if you aren't a member of these communities? What is it about Autism Speaks that seems to be so controversial?

First of all is the issue with how they spend the money they make.
Only 4% of the funds go to family services (providing iPads, weighted blankets, scholarships, etc)
10 times that amount is spent on "research" which is widely eugenics type research which aims to prevent, "cure", and even push for prenatal testing for autism (which is not yet possible).

http://autisticadvocacy.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Autism_Speaks_Flyer.pdf

The second problem with Autism Speaks is that they have no autistic leadership. They misleadingly name themselves "Autism Speaks", without giving a voice to those of us who are actually autistic. This issue can further be seen by their polls, questions, and involvement always asking if you are a family member, friend, or unrelated to autism, but never if you are autistic yourself. The worst example was when a 14 year old autistic teen created a parody site called "ntspeaks.net" (nt means neurotypical, it often simply means non autistic though more accurately it means your brain functions normally without autism, adhd, dyslexia, or other things which wire your brain differently). When this teen made her parody site Bob Wright , co-founder of the organization Autism Speaks, threatened to sue the teen, who was scared into giving up the domain.
They use their popularity, financial backing, and corporatist views to scare, bully, and threaten those that are smaller, weaker, and less aware of the complexities of the law. (The protections, the system, what they can and cannot do etc). They censor and bully actual autistic people rather than listen to our concerns and adjust their organization accordingly.
http://www.mindlessmommy.com/2008/01/autism-speaks-sues-a-teenager-with-aspergers-syndrome/

The third main problem with Autism Speaks, and perhaps their worst offense, is the fear campaign. Rather than raise awareness by sharing actual facts about autism, giving information on how to better communicate between autistic and neurotypical people, what certain actions can indicate is happening inside the autistic person's head, etc, they have instead fear campaigns. They produce propaganda to portray autistic people as only children, and nothing but a problem. In their worst ad they maintained that autism would make sure your marriage failed, you cannot attend church or temple, you cannot comfortably go in public, you won't be able to sleep. Then they went on to say that autism was something to defeat and battle, and put an end to.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mycxSJ3-_Q

Most often however their PSA's only have to do with 1 in 88, now 1 in 68, being autistic, though they don't do so in an unbiased and non fear inducing way, instead they compare the odds of being autistic with the odds of being in a car accident or other negative events.

That's three strikes Autism Speaks.

These reasons, and many more are why no self respecting autistic person supports this organization.

This is why there are movements like "BoycottAutismSpeaks" in which we refuse to spend our money, when possible, with organizations that support Autism Speaks.
This is why we speak out against them.
This is why we will not "light it up blue".


Autism Speaks does not speak for me.
Nothing about us, without us.

Please help join the movement to take down Autism Speaks, since it is unlikely they are going to change. (One high ranking member even sympathized with parents that murder autistic children, these aren't well meaning but miseducated people, these are people with hatred in their hearts that run a hate group disguised as support.)

I'm hoping we will have a movement strong enough to bring down this organization and raise real acceptance and pride of the autistic community.

Obsessive Negative Self Imagery- 001- My apology on the subject

It's come to my attention that many people in the autism community have issues when it comes to how they feel when they make social mistakes. These can be anything from replaying the conversation and event in your head, to depressed mood or thoughts based on feeling like you never say the "right" thing, or act normal. Many times it feels like you just can't and wont ever fit in, and no one truly wants to be your friend, or feels attached to you. This can end relationships both quickly and over time. It can result in apathy and lack of interest in forming relationships or communicating in general. I struggle every single time I notice I do something "wrong", and so do some of the people on my facebook page.

Right now I think I need to make this post to say I understand that struggle, and I know how bad it can get. But I'm facing it myself, I don't have the answers yet. But this is me promising that as I learn what works for me and share it, and even  suggestions that I am skeptical of or that don't work for me I will mention so that maybe someone finds something that does work for them.

All I can say at this point is if it's not inherently negative, own it. Make it into a statement against the status quo and don't think of it as a mistake. If it is a mistake, then learn from it, but try not to remember the time  you made the mistake as it can seep into your mind and make your future positive experiences stressful and anxiety inducing.

Tom Plastow to Autism Parents

This should be a short tribute I want to write if tribute is the right word.

I have a friend from Facebook named Tom. He is similar to me, he likes doctor who, has anxiety is autistic, and is an activist in many of the same fields.

We both write and fight for feminism and for autism rights.

I can't help but feel proud because I "was there" when Tom began to make it bigger.
One post he wrote about an experience we and many others had with an autism mom, "the feminist breeder", had over 2,000 views.

It was a short and sweet "we don't want cured" post directed at parents of autistic people.

I personally don't like "autism parents" it's not grammatically correct and tends to indicate a certain level of egotism. Like having an autistic kids makes you a victim or super hero. Like it's you who is autistic. And they tend to be the least willing to learn and change based on the will of autistic people themselves.
I also dislike how it's like parenting autism, not a person.

They remind me of autism speaks. Orwellian double speak.
I, unlike Tom, make a distinction between autism parents and parents of autistic people. My choice based on how many self described autism parents act like autism speaks.

But however you view autism parents, it's clear everyone needs to read his post. Parents, friends, people not yet directly related to autism.  Everyone can learn and thus grow and become more respectful.
And I'm proud that it seems people are doing exactly that. Tom had stated many positive messages have come in, many not knowing these things previously but happy to learn. This is very good.
And I'm glad people are willing to learn and read and educate themselves.

And I'm happy a friend is helping them to do so.

My Hospitalization Part 2- The Hospital

I walk in side by side with my mom. I try to stay calm but seeing all the people and hearing all the noise scares me.

My mom tells a nurse I'm autistic and asks if I'm going to have to be out here with all the people and noise. She gives some answer I know means yes but my mom takes as a no.

They take me back for questioning but i can go with my mom. I think about demanding she stay with me but another nurse asks for a safety check. They direct me alone to a room. There are two nurses. I know this can't be good. They tell me to strip to my underwear. Great. I do them they tell me to take it off and then to lift my breasts and spin around. Great.

I'm a nudist but the demand freaks me out.
I tell my mom immediately. I've been breaking down off and on again since we came in.
They take away my soda and my clothes and I'm dressed only in two hospital robes and a pair of hospital pants and mesh panties.

I feel violated isolated and terrified. I cling to her. She offers to get me stuff but I demand she stay. Eventually they force her to go but she comes back with stuff.
No clothes. No books. Not even my contacts. She brought my large blanket my eevee and something else but I forget what.

I spend the whole night wanting to sleep. I found I can call her so it makes it livable. Some people talk to me so I talk to them. We eat a snack. But I'm waiting for my stuff and my meds. Once I take my meds I go to bed.

My roommate was yelling and having a scene earlier but she was actually nice. Everyone judged her wrong. I liked her.
But I wanted sleep.
I feel asleep fast partly from the sleeping drug. But about 2 am some guy comes in saying I go in the hall. I help move my bed and go back to sleep grumpy. I hoped I dreamed it but waking up to drugs and a prayer in the hall confirms I don't even very the privacy quiet and dark of a room.

I take my pills and sit around with nothing to do really.

My Hospitalization- Part 1 Exposition

Before Going In

About a week ago I was in a depressed rut.
I remember the trigger that set me off though. I had about an hour and a half of sleep and my mom basically thrust a full on driving session on me taking her to work. I was tired, cold, driving stresses me out, and I couldn't handle the stress at the time.
I try protesting but she tells me by Monday I need to be able to drive her and the kids to their schools. So I try. I try backing out of the driveway, which twice was unsuccessful. I pull back in because a truck is driving down the road.
Then she begins screaming and telling me how I can't seem to contribute anything, that I can't do anything right and how I'm going to cost the family $600 because I can't back out of the driveway correctly. I begin by getting angry and yelling back but then I get very hopeless and sad and every word she says seems to be true in my head. I begin thinking about death, and how I just don't want to be living anymore. I'm not crying, I'm just very numb to the world, consumed in my own thoughts of how worthless I am. She's right, no job, no school, no remarkable skills of any kind. I begin thinking how poison would be best if I could find one that is quick and easily available.
I decide to let a community on Facebook know I will kill myself, so I put up a comment in a group.
I begin an exchange and then once home I'm told how I can't even pick up the trash cans correctly.
I haven't thought of a good enough plan. So I start watching Star Trek and erase my post completely. My phone keeps going off so I check and apparently a lot of people have tagged and messaged etc me. This begins to annoy me, I was starting to feel better and then they drag it out and made my feelings return. I erased the post FOR A REASON.

My step-dad tells me my mom wants me at her work and he wont say why. I get very annoyed as I can guess, I pretend not to know in case it's something less awful. I tell him how I don't want to be around her after she spent 20 minutes this morning telling me how useless I am.

After we finally get there, many of her students ask me if I'm sick, once we leave she begins accusing me, so I demand she let me know one way in which I'm not a failure. I point out how they keep hiding these Buddhist temples so you can't see them until after you pass them. She says I'm observant. I still think that's rich, she's never called me that without sarcasm before.

We think of solutions that will be ANYTHING besides sending me away overnight. I can't handle being away overnight. I can barely handle traveling overnight. I try to handle hotels but I can't really sleep in them.
I'm willing to do any treatment but inpatient. But we go over how I'm not to say that so they can't force me to stay longer than 3 days if they decide that's what I need.
No, I wont let them decide I need that.

My step-dad decides St. Anthony's is best. I have reservations about going to a religious hospital, but after my younger brother wrote suicide threats on the wall in red marker, they decided he didn't really need anything, so I feel the risk of inpatient care will be minimal.

The nurse was quite rude and unprofessional. Downright accusatory and kept blaming me for running out of meds. My mom even points out how awful it is for a NURSE to tell a SUICIDAL patient how bad they are.
I note the irony of -her- being the one to say something about it.

On the way to the hospital we did get drinks from Sonic. I kept mine with me all the time, I was drinking very little to save it for as long as possible. I suppose it's a coping mechanism I have, I don't want to run out of something familiar when I'm somewhere I don't want to be. As soon as I get out of the hospital the better. Hopefully with a new prescription and a therapist. The suicide hotline, before hanging up on me, assured me they wont do inpatient care, just a quick evaluation 1-2 hours and send me with what I need.

About 5 hours into our waiting time I get a sharp pain in my shoulder blade and I contort. The comfy hospital bed (imo, though it seems I'm the only one that ever thinks so) typically feels nice but it's small and I'm trying to be contained while I adjust my body or hit it, or do whatever it takes to make the pain go away, though I don't know what it takes. My left side jerks and my bedside table is hit, my nearly full soda crashes to the ground and I shriek out. I begin bawling and have a complete meltdown. I can't speak, I can't think clearly. My entire world seems to have crashed. I can only stare and repeat how I was saving it, how I lose everything and nothing ever goes my way. I want to just fall to the ground in the puddle but my mom begins cleaning it. I just keep sobbing completely destroyed by the loss of my drink.

I did try to eat at the house, one of those little pot pies. I had not much appetite, so I gave more than half of mine to my mom, she was more hungry anyway.
That was all I ate that day, 4 bites of pot pie, and some sips of my soda. It was catching up. But I was still a mess. My mom told me that my step-dad will bring me some chicken sandwiches and a soda from McDonalds. I begin to realize how unhinged I seem so I start to try to censor myself. Any minute now a doctor will show up on my screen and tell me what she wants me to do.

Sure enough, a nurse wants a urine and blood sample, so I give him the samples easily and with what I learned to be inappropriate commentary about how I do like blood, and how I can handle needles but I have to see it. I nearly punched my nose piercer when she told me to close my eyes and THEN pierced my nose. The first time I was watching in a mirror. I thought it looked cool.  The second time I was looking down at myself when she told me to close my eyes. I hated the trick and nearly punched her. I relayed that. while watching the blood flow into a tiny vial. Only another hour or so and another nurse sets me up with the doctor.
All goes well until the doctor asks if I've ever been hospitalized overnight before.

"No." I reply, "I wont be...now...will I?"

Something in her wording tipped me off. But at my question she tells me that it's standard and I will be transferred to a north side hospital if they have any empty beds, if not she will look for another.
I look at my mom and tell her to say something. But she doesn't, so I venture asking if my mom can just keep an eye on me instead. She's not a counselor. But my aunt it is! I look at my mom again. She can't read my "Tell her my aunt is a counselor" look.
Granted she's a vocational rehabilitation counselor just a few weeks from a doctorate...and in DC, as far away from me as my fiance. But she didn't say therapist, or psychiatrist, she said counselor. That wouldn't be lying it would just save me. But I don't want to push it, and risk going in for longer.
But I do begin to break down again as soon as she said it was standard procedure.

I feel hopeless and alone again. I'm virtually inconsolable. I just want to run away but I know it will be worse. My mom tries to watch an episode of the Big Bang Theory with me on her phone. We try for two hours. Somewhere in there she goes to the bathroom and my step-dad brings me my food. We came in at 2, it's now 9. I finish my food in time for a nurse to tell me that an ambulance will be ready as soon as the shift change is complete and the hospital does have empty beds.
"Great." I think.

We never did finish the episode, there was about 5-10 minutes left but it kept doing commercials, crashing, restarting, not starting at all, and eventually her phone died.
I notice the paramedics are friendly. My best friend's dad was a paramedic. He died 4 years ago to colon cancer. He was the closest I had to a real father. I had my dad and step-dad but my dad was so far away, and my step-dad unloving and even abusive. He even broke my collar bone once, still blames it on me for being so "bad", because I didn't understand his figures of speech. ("What is X doing Y?" I believe. Like what is that cup doing up there? NOTHING, it's a CUP, it can't DO anything, what kind of a question is that?)

We never liked each other. But Bill, my friend's dad...I always dreamed my mom would get with her dad after her mom left for an abusive guy in Texas. Funny how he, my dad, and my step-dad are all named "David", a name I began thinking of as synonymous with "asshole".
Bill however always listened, understood, cared, he was always there.
I considered being an EMT because of Bill. At least temporary.

I greatly respect, but am very hurt by the paramedics all at once. I hadn't been inside an ambulance since I was 9 years old and Bill was showing me around and explaining medical equipment to me. It hurt, big time.

I try to smile, and I do converse with the lady that was with me, but I keep missing Bill. He would have helped me. He would have understood. If he was here, I wouldn't be. Sometimes I think of Bill as more my friend than even my best friend was. Honestly I did love her, and not like a sister. But I felt she wouldn't have felt the same until after she confessed to me, after I was in a relationship. Knowing both parties are monogamists. I'm not, but they don't really want to budge, so she's stopped talking to me altogether. Which makes coping even harder.


I step out of the ambulance and walk away from the hospital towards my mom. I know I have to turn around but I don't want to be separated again.

I take a large gulp of my soda and then follow the paramedics inside, side by side with my mom.

Disturbed!

Okay I hear a lot from my friends, even my fiance, that Disturbed is "for posers" and "not that good". I disagree, they are one of my favorite bands. I like their sound and their message. On the surface you hear the metal music, and the screaming vocals, and in some cases swearing and you assume no "valid" point is made.
 However there is.
It is also ironic that many religious conservatives act as if obviously it is hostile to their faith, when there are several references to likely judeo-christian beliefs. The album "Believe" for example not only has some very heavily religious themes, but it also has signs of 4 major religions, the Christian cross, the Jewish Star of David, the Islamic crescent, and the Wiccan pentagram.
Put simply it should be the kind of music you can like no matter your personal religious views.

The first 5 Disturbed songs I thought of, and their meanings, subtle and not, as well as videos for the songs are below. (They are in reverse order of how I thought of them, so they would be counting towards the "deepest", the ones I thought of immediately when thinking of this list).


5) Numb
I feel this song most speaks to the issue of ritualistic genital mutilation, especially male circumcision as done and it's effects on the victims in the United States. I'm sure there's another meaning, but this is what it says to me, and it seems straightforward with it's lyrics.
It starts:

"Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out. Oh!
Bleeding, I'm
Crying, I'm
Falling, I'm
Bleeding out!
Bleeding now, I'm
Crying out, I'm
Falling down, and I'm
Feeling nothing, like
Laughing now, I'm
Stopping now, I'm
Reaching out, and I'm
Feeling nothing"

The kind of pain and bleeding and trauma cycle a newborn would go through when having the most sensitive part of their brand new hyper sensitized body is ripped and torn and cut. At the end the "And I'm....feeling nothing" might be in reference to the desensitization a circumcised penis goes through due to lost protection and continuous rubbing and roughening of the once soft and internal organ.

"Yeah, you've created a rift withing me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing.
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing."

Seems almost obvious to me, it seems to be about an adult who has found out that the genital mutilation surgery has left him with "several complications", maybe delayed ejaculation, ED, painful erections, among other possible complications that could show up as he sexually matures. And then he adds "I might say, you were wrong to take it from me, left me feeling nothing" is a rather harrowing condemnation of his inability to have a natural and healthy sex life and how it was wrong to take that away from him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t75HL3fhmcw


4)  Down with the Sickness
Perhaps the most famous Disturbed song. This is one may be controversial but I will include it.
This song and the next one are the two most profane on my list, about every 5th word is some derivative of "fuck", don't read into my analysis if this might offend you. Or do anyway, I don't actually care. This seems to me to be about violence, most specifically about how when you are violent towards children they will grow to become violent themselves. In the often edited out verse it gives the most details that may support that interpretation. It seems to be talking about a scared child towards a violent parent and then the scared child grows into a more violent role to continue the cycle of abuse.

"(And when I dream x4)
No mommy, don't do it again,
Don't do it again,
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy, don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?
Don't do it, you're hurting me!
Why did you have to be such a bitch?
Why don't you,
Why don't just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just fuck off and DIE?
Why can't you just leave here and DIE?
Never stick your hand in my face again, bitch
FUCK YOU,
I don't need this shit,
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you like to see how it feels mommy?
Here it comes, get ready to DIE!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09LTT0xwdfw


3) Innocence
This is perhaps my favorite song by Disturbed, I wasn't able to link to the official video, but I did link to my favorite lyrics on screen video of it.
Innocence is one of many that doesn't have too much of a "hidden meaning" but rather sings directly to the issue.
It most accurately described as being about the justice system being messed up in high profile cases like Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman. Since every verse talks about different types of cases, mother killing their children, murdered families, domestic violence, victimized children (seemingly a sexual abuse), etc but the main theme can be found in the chorus criticizing the corrupt system and the defenders of such people.

"Your corruption is like a cancer growing inside
You owe the world and apology.
You've been taught all your life that truth is easy to hide!
You'll face your judgement another day
And suffer eternally!
False defender, bur forever
False defender, bur forever
Cold and spineless, have you no soul?
Wicked-minded, out of control
And guided by their hunger
They will find new ways to betray us!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYQzQAmX1Xo

2) Inside the Fire
This song is about the after effects of suicide. It is based on a true story where in his teen years the lead vocalist had a girlfriend who had committed suicide. From the music video it is easily interpreted that he struggled with feelings that she would be cast out of heaven due to the unwholesome act of suicide and then struggled with his own suicidal feelings. It is implied that devil himself is urging him to kill himself with a chorus that includes lines like
"Release your life
To begin another time with her.
End your grief with me
There's another way.
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her!"
And frequent mentions of
"Devin lies beyond this portal, take the word of one immortal"
Seeming like the devil is talking to him and telling him it would be easy to "Give your soul to me, for eternity" to "begin another time with her".

Which hits close for many who are left after someone close to them has committed suicide.

This song even comes with a plea to contact a  suicide hotline if you or someone you know is in crisis and starts with the vocalist saying that it's unfortunately a sensitive topic that is close to him since he has personally dealt with it.
The entire song is basically suicide awareness on a large scale, and coping with the traumatic event on a personal level.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxujAPhxlo0



1) Another Way to Die
This song is heavily about pollution and global warming. It's not even hidden or you have to try to understand what some lyrical poetic double speak might mean. It is very straight forward.
If these lyrics from the song don't show you, then the video below them might.

"It's just another way to die

There can be no other reason why
You know we should have seen it coming
Consequences, we cannot deny
Will be revealed in time

Glaciers melt as we pollute the sky
A sign of devastation coming
We don't need another way to die
Can we repent in time?"
and
"Species fall before our very eyes
A world they cannot survive in
Left them with another way to die
Are we dead inside?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwELajFteTo

Satanism, Christianity, and The OKC Capital

As many who grew up in Oklahoma and/or Wyoming, I was brought up as a Christian...at least until I reached the age of reason, which for me was age 14.
As a child I never "really" believed, but I wanted to because everyone else did. I seemed wrong, bad, and like God will punish me because I really didn't believe. I compensated by acting ultra religious and hoping the belief would just stick. It never really did. At 14 I learned that atheists exist, and it gave me hope that maybe I wasn't bad to not believe.

As a child there were many traditions I didn't understand, doing hair and makeup, and wearing clothes at all. If God made you in his image, and made you perfect, altering, hiding, and acting as if his creation is dirty, sinful, or bad, would be highly insulting to his creation. And that was well before Doctor Who decided you can't wear clothes to church. Maybe Matt Smith was onto something there...

But at 14 shortly after being in the debate community heavily filled with atheists one of my friends was kicked out of her church because she was outed as bisexual. She picked up on Wicca. At the same time a previously catholic friend went through issues involving divorce and incest and turned to Satanism. I decided to read up on both. My mom caught me reading into Wicca and declared that non christian literature to be a threat and not welcomed. I decided at that moment there was no truth to Christianity. Any faith challenged by education on others isn't a true one.
I read Wicca was against indoctrination, or preaching to those that don't ask for it. I'd believe Wicca to be more valid.
Satanism is more an acceptance of human nature and a more flamboyant way of being an atheist. At least that's what it was for me when I was identified as a Satanist for 2 years.

I've since let go of it, while still accepting that most of the teachings are more valid and moral than Christian teachings. All beliefs have their flaws and I currently follow none.

Now it seems as a former Satanist, and a former Christian (one of maybe 20 in the whole state) I am right in the middle of this state capital controversy.

I am against infringements on the first amendment. If you allow one, you must allow all. I'd rather the Satanic symbol be of the 11 Rules of Earth than the silly statue they picked. But then again, I'd rather they have nothing at all. Leave the public land for our constitutionally secular laws and representation. Leave our private lands for us to express our personal ideas and beliefs, including religious.

I'm not going to advocate against the satanic statue simply because I believe currently our state needs that controversy to see what is wrong with the 10 Hebrew commandments being erected on public land, and they already have done that.

I am however annoyed when someone implies or explicitly says that one is worse than the other.
I have no value in Christianity, but many do. I see it as an immoral religion that is mostly a political tool in my country these days. Satanism however better represents The United States, pro greed, anti child/animal suffering, anti rape, pro learning from the past, pro accepting human nature, etc.
Neither is more valid on state grounds.
Neither should be on state grounds.
If either is on public land, the other must be as well, and so must other religious symbols of those who wish to be represented in such a silly show.

The controversy is ridiculous.

 I am very against Christianity and organized religion as a whole.
However I am not anti christians or religious people.

I am against organized religion because I think as a whole, especially when there is a central leader, it is open for corruption, cherry picking, and cult like use of people as political tools. I see little value in organized religion. There is value only in socializing with those of similar opinions, which you can do without churches and popes.

I do dislike religion, all of it, but that doesn't equate into hating every religious person. I feel most people have to cope in one way or another. Some religions bring the hope and peace someone may need. Some are just terrifying and you just gotta ditch them.
I don't like organized religion however, because I feel it is easily a tool for certain few to decide how you should think, act, and what you should do.

I think my state needs to grow up, and accept that not everyone agrees.

Life Goals

As many people who follow me might know, I am a very outspoken pro choice individual. However many may not realize that I want to become an abortion provider, and maybe open my own clinic(s).

I am looking for clinics nearby that I may be able to volunteer for. I want to work as an escort, or with emotional support, or as a counter protester. I have asked clinics nearby if they would like me to help them, but have gotten no response back. My next step is to call in, but I have such anxiety that any phone call is difficult for me. It makes me question how much I would actually be able to do if I did get a job or volunteer position.

I feel like because of terrorism, low pay, and ever changing laws and political battles there are not enough abortion providers in my country, and I also feel like it is something I can feel good about providing or helping to provide.
Sometimes I am pessimistic about my ability to do anything though.

I also want to move to Canada with my fiance, I know they have a shortage of abortion providers too, but not as much as here.

Okay lets be honest about how and what I actually think. This, from here, is going to get pretty personal, raw, and a little too honest.

It just feels to me a lot of times like I'm never going anywhere or doing anything, and it makes my ultimate goals seem far less likely. Sometimes it truly feels like it's just simply not worth it to even think that I will end up doing anything.

I know I have severe depression, I've tried two different meds, haven't found one that works yet, and am waiting to see a doctor (since I moved states). My last round I quit suddenly (not really by choice, I ran out of ALL my medications including Neurontin which they gave me to maybe help with pain and it can cause seizures if you suddenly stop, it also did nothing for my pain). It just seems that even that makes me feel even more hopeless.

Sometimes it feels like my advocacy and political work, and leaving some kind of a mark online where maybe someone will go and read that someone that thinks like me existed and might think about it, and might eventually change their positions, it seems like the only good I might be able to do. Sometimes it really feels like I'm never going to be able to do anything that involves social interaction, will never get a real job or keep one, will never really complete school, or do well, will never move out, will never be successful. And I know everyone that spends any time around me ends up hating me.
It feels a lot of times like I am nothing but a problem, a leech, something that is just a drain.

I try and try to reach out and do better, but I never seem able to do so. I just barely got a driver's permit, I'm 19, and I'm not even able to drive my family around yet because I need someone who could drive themselves to be in the car with me if I were to drive. I don't make money, no one buys my knitting, I didn't even finish my CNA class.

I am massively insecure about my "accomplishments" and my future, and yet I still have these big grand goals of leaving the states, becoming a doctor, having a charity where I can provide free abortions for low income women and give to funds where those living in other states can afford the ones they need, fostering and adopting older kids and teens in need.

It's really kind of hard to keep trying to push forth as this happy, loving, optimistic young person when I keep feeling like I am, always have been, and always will be a loser. I can't even sign up for college without massive amounts of help.

I mean sure you might chalk it up to my depression, but really, I've been "home" for 2 months now. No job, no school. I stay home all day and cost more in electricity, Internet, water, no one likes me around. What exactly is my future? Will I ever get better than this?
I'm always in pain, I feel incapable of doing anything, I never do anything, if I do do something odds are I'm going to forget about it anyway, no one likes me and I don't really like people either.
What is the point?

I can only hope that somehow I will end my rut and be able to reach my goals, but most of the time I am not optimistic about the possibility of that.

Sexuality-001

I can't help but think, without any research beyond myself, that perhaps sexuality for aspies is more "open", or at least is less gender based.
I am a demisexual, pansexual, polyamorous, lesbian. Many people stop at only one label, gay, straight, bi, and in some cases pans.
However it has been my experience that each of these labels helps define who  and what I am, better. it gives a better picture of my actual sexuality.
Demisexual broadly means that I am primarily attracted to what the ace community (asexuals and demisexuals) often refer to as "secondary characteristics", these would be non physical traits, personality, interests, intelligence, things that generally take longer to know and understand about a person than things like race, hair color, height, gender/sex, general sizes, etc.
I would also largely be a lesbian, because of the physical things I am attracted to, I still have a preference it just doesn't primarily decide who I am attracted to, I am a lesbian. I have never been physically attracted to a man.

Think for instance if you are primarily a straight guy, and your secondary preference would be blonde hair. Generally you like women with blonde hair, even if that is the only hair color you ever find attractive, it doesn't mean there is never a time that you may happen to be attracted to a woman with red hair. You simply wouldn't go with them because of their hair color, you would go with them because other factors lead you to overlook the color of her hair.

I am also polyamorous which simply means I can, and accept that I do, love more than one person at a time.


However I am a pansexual as well, which means I am capable of going beyond my general physical preference bounds. With my primary and secondary sexualities switched around, sometimes the pansexual part doesn't really seem to count. I am in a straight relationship at this moment and he knows I'm a lesbian. In fact I have never set foot in my so called closet. How many lesbians, who aren't in the closet, are in straight relationships?
I would think not very many.

It's been my experience that aspies don't understand much about dating, the "rules" of dating, how to date, why certain social expectations even still exist, and why a lot of things even matter. Things that to me may indicate they go beyond traditional gender roles, or even mainstream sexualities.

This isn't to mean that demisexuality is inherently better or worse than simply being sexual, but it does seem to be a thing. I've also met a few asexual people all of which ended up also being aspies and I'm not sure if that's for a reason or not.

People with Asperger's often don't care about or understand social norms they deem as "stupid", for instance I refuse to acknowledge a guy "having" to pay for dates, I pay my part, they pay theirs, unless someone is short on cash or has an excess. I refuse to see any value in such a system.
I refuse to put restrictions on "I wont do X until date Y" because it makes no sense at all unless the system is one of prostitution where after the guy spends X amount of money on the girl, he unlocks activity Y.
I have been on ONE mini date, and have been dating the same guy for 5 years now. I refuse to believe I'm some kind of a "whore" because I had sex before the first date 3 years into the relationship, aka before he "bought" it. The real whores are the ones that get the spending done and then unlock sexual "favors". Especially if it's really expensive like a ring or wedding.

And I refuse to see the value in "sexual purity" or monogamy or any of that BS. Yes I see very clearly that cheating (having romantic encounters without the knowledge or consent of those you are in a relationship with) is bad. But I fail to see how me sleeping with a guy and a girl with all parties consenting and involved is somehow worse than going from one relationship to the next, or that somehow I loose value just because I've had sex before.

And really the way aspies question social norms and process and value things differently, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that aspies were in fact less on the pure gay/straight spectrum and more on the varying levels of sexuality and of various amounts of inclusion of those you are less primarily attracted to (poly/pansexuality for instance).

I never seem to cease to confuse people when I tell them I am a lesbian and I enjoy having sex with my boyfriend. Maybe people aren't used to lesbian being the secondary sexuality. Or maybe people like to try to find inconsistency with me. Not quite sure. But either way, I really hope this can help better explain my own sexuality.